


DIMEcord

by AmateurScribes



Series: Whumptober 2020 [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Companion Piece, Crack Treated Seriously, Explicit Language, Fluff and Crack, Illustrations, M/M, chat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 24,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26753590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmateurScribes/pseuds/AmateurScribes
Summary: AdMIN Carolina:@SEO-Grif-10 @SEO-Simmons-10Status report.pilot grif:hold on im making a server for our alternate selvesAdMIN Carolina:What.Captain Simmons:Please don't be mad at me, I tried stopping him.
Relationships: Dexter Grif/Dick Simmons
Series: Whumptober 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948522
Comments: 112
Kudos: 61





	1. What The Fuck They Doin' Over There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A little comfort crackfic for you guys! I decided that I'd be nice to you guys this Whumptober year by having an additional chat fic companion for the main fic. Hopefully, you guys will find this funny, since this is supposed to be a treat for y'all after all.
> 
> This is a chat fic, any and all mistakes are intentional, even if they weren't originally <3.
> 
> **DISCLAIMER:** This story is meant to be read at the same time as the companion piece. Meaning that chapter 1 of this is supposed to be read at the same time as chapter 1 of the second fic. Ideally, you should be reading the DIME and Place chapters first, then DIMEcord. Information is revealed in both to help the viewing experience of this fic. Thank you, and I hope you enjoy the read!

_[18:02]_

_#general_

**Key Tucker:** so, it's been real quiet lately, so I'm just wondering if the REDs did some fuckshit or not

_Colonel Sarge is typing..._

**Key Tucker:** i have sarge blocked so lmao go ahead, say whatever

**Pvt. Donut:** ya know, words hurt tucker :(

**Key Tucker:** and so does my dick during this dry spell, what of it

**AdMIN Washington:** Tucker, I'm this close to confiscating your login information. This is supposed to be a professional server. Nothing more, or less.

**Key Tucker:** what I'm hearing is that you don't want me hornyposting on main. But when I asked for an nsfw channel you said no so here we are

**AdMIN Washington:** Once again, this is your company account. You do realize that DIME Corps reads everything you send

**Key Tucker:** ok.

**AdMIN Washington:** Just ok?

**Key Tucker:** yeah. I hope they enjoy our bullshit. That's all

**Pvt. Donut:** wait wash, they can see everything?

**Key Tucker:** also I don't take shit from someone who has MINE in their name, back it up Steve go craft something

**AdMIN Washington:** Yes, Donut, everything.

**Pvt. Donut:** Including private dm's?

**AdMIN Washington:** Yes.

**Pvt. Donut:** brb

**Key Tucker:** ????? Donut what lmao???

**AdMIN Washington:** You know what, I'm not the leader of his division I'm not even gonna ask.

**Key Tucker:** _@SEO-Donut-10_ please please please say you were sexting someone on a company account please please please

**AdMIN Washington:** Tucker that's highly inappropriate, stop.

**Key Tucker:** hey, it's not my fault today's boring as hell. What the fuck do you want me to do? My tasks?

**AdMIN Washington:** Yes.

**AdMIN Carolina:** Yes.

**Key Tucker:** Well golly, sorry that's some attitude :/

**AdMIN Washington:** I would have resigned by now if I was allowed to.

**Pvt. Caboose:** wash, tucker is typing in the server

**AdMIN Washington:** Thank you Caboose.

**Key Tucker:** Caboose to send that message you also had to type in the server

_Pvt. Caboose is offline._

**Key Tucker:** we're literally in the same room, I'm just gonna say the same thing but irl instead

**Colonel Sarge:** Listen here BLUE, unlike you despicable nuisances that have the absolute audacity! to call yourselves SEO's, us here RED's do not cause problems. Never have and never will.

**Pvt. Donut:** Sarge why did it take you so long to type that?

**Key Tucker:** ok bet

**Colonel Sarge:** I have created a list of every mistake you godless BLUE's have made since I had the misfortune of meeting you

**Key Tucker:** you guys have logbooks for problems you guys cause on PURPOSE most of our stuff is what most people would call 'accidents' and 'mistakes'

_Colonel Sarge is typing..._

**Key Tucker:** here we go again

**AdMIN Carolina:** Don't try arguing, Sarge, I'm the one who has to fill out the accident reports.

**AdMIN Washington:** Ok, after contemplating Tucker's initial message, I agree, it has been too quiet, where are Grif and Simmons.

**Key Tucker:** HAH. vindication tastes as sweet as some WAP

**Pvt. Caboose:** warm apple pie is sweet yes

**AdMIN Washington:** _@SEO-Simmons-10_ I know you're more likely to respond than Grif, how is your assignment going so far?

**Key Tucker:** yeah, tell us how Grif is slacking off lmao, I need some sort of drama to keep me going

_[18:34]_

**AdMIN Washington:** Ok, just a thought, maybe something is wrong, it does not take this long for Simmons to respond to a commanding officer.

**Key Tucker:** or maybe they're banging, and aren't to be interrupted. where were they positioned?

**AdMIN Carolina:** They had Storage Unit Zeta patrol duty today.

**Key Tucker:** fucking in the storage unit, what kinda kinks will they sure today.

**AdMIN Washington:** Tucker knock it off.

**Key Tucker:** bitch >:(

_pilot grif is online._

_#status-report_

**pilot grif:** _[1 attachment: IOS349.jpeg]_

__

**Key Tucker:** bruh.

**Pvt. Donut:** uh, what??

**AdMIN Carolina:** _@SEO-Grif-10_ Explain. _Now._

**pilot grif:** pretend like you you told usto go or simms and i might die ok bye

**AdMIN Carolina:** That is not an explanation.

**Key Tucker:** hello???? what???? 

**AdMIN Carolina:** I'm going to radio in too you and if you don't answer I will personally ensure your death.

**Key Tucker:** he really just snapped a pic and fucking dipped wow

**Pvt. Donut:** and he made such a rude gesture too

**AdMIN Washington:** _@all_ Just got word from the Board of Directors, all SEO personnel are to head towards the barracks to take roll. Two inmates from the Chorus Penitentiary, designations Locus-X and Felix-Z, have escaped and infiltrated DIME Corps. The Breach has just been reported.

**Key Tucker:** woah woah wait wtf 

**AdMIN Carolina:** I'm going to string them up by their fucking necks.

**Key Tucker:** hold on, carolina what's going on???

**AdMIN Carolina:** No point in hiding it considering this is a company server. From this point going forward all information regarding the whereabouts of Grif and Simmons is now confidential. Considering they're pulling my arm with their idiotic actions, I as AdMIN of the Residential Enforcement Division, give SEO Grif-10 and SEO Simmons-10 express permission to track down criminals Locus-X and Felix-Z.

**Key Tucker:** i can hear the anger brimming in your voice

**AdMIN Washington:** Oh yeah, she's fucking pissed.

**Key Tucker:** ok so, we can all talk in person when we get to the barracks but grif if you see this, you are both an idiot and iconic

_[22:47]_

_#general_

**Captain Simmons:** GRIF THAT IS NOT WHAT I FUCKING MEANT WHEN SAYING TO INFORM CAROLINA AND ASK HER FOR HER PERMISSION

**pilot grif:** k

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to update this as consistently as I can but my main focus _will_ be the main fic. In any case, I've been wanting to do a chat fic for a long time and this is as good a moment as any haha!


	2. Trauma But Make It Spicy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Key Tucker:** spill dude what’s happened so far
> 
> **AdMIN Washington:** Tucker, don't test my patience.
> 
> **pilot grif:** well, i stared at my dead body for like a good minute. twas fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No art for this, but I'm sitting on a joke and I plan on adding it as soon as physically possible. So there will be art in many more chapters, I just ran out of time to make some for today's chapter.
> 
> There are no such things as mistakes in chat fics, and that's why I'm having so much fun writing these.

_[20:23]_

_#general_

**Key Tucker:** it's the being the biggest SEO fucks up for me <3

_[20:30]_

_#general_

**Key Tucker:** it's the letting the criminal escapes for me <3

**AdMIN Washington:** Tucker give it a rest you've been using the same joke for the past two hours and if our lack of response wasn't a big enough of a hint for you, then let me be the first to tell you that no one's going to laugh.

**Pvt. Donut:** yeah Tucker this is a pretty serious situation :<

**Key Tucker:** hey look joking around about it is my coping mechanism

**AdMIN Washington:** Nothing traumatic even happened to you.

**Key Tucker:** yeah but it might to my kinda-a-friend-more-of-a-sharing-porn-mags-but-no-homo buddy Grif

**Pvt. Donut:** awww I knew u cared about us Tucker <3333

_pilot grif is online._

**pilot grif:** affection. disgusting

**AdMIN Washington:** Let me be the first to remind you Grif, and Simmons too, that you aren't allowed to share any information about your whereabouts to us. Keep everything going forward vague if you must share anything at all.

**pilot grif:** bet

**Key Tucker:** spill dude what’s happened so far

**AdMIN Washington:** Tucker, don't test my patience.

**pilot grif:** well, i stared at my dead body for like a good minute. twas fun

**Key Tucker:** like, for realsies or are you just pulling my leg because if not then that’s metal as fuck

**Pvt. Donut:** That must have been so weird!!! Are you ok :(((

**pilot grif:** lmao why would i be bothered? its not like it was _actually_ me

**AdMIN Washington:** That's certainly one way to look at it. Just a firm reminder that once you're back, that the Medical Facilities offers therapy relating to meeting a dimensional double

**pilot grif:** no thanks. like i said im not really bothered by it

_Captain Simmons is online._

**Captain Simmons:** Are you sure, Grif? You looked pretty concerned.

**pilot grif:** i was more bothered at the fact that that dimensions version of my sisters just decided to lay down and die. my kai's like a fucking cockroach, you simply cannot kill a grif

**Key Tucker:** how hot was she

**pilot grif:** Tucker, literally what.

**Key Tucker:** hey let me indulge in my fantasy of banging two versions of your sister at the same time

**pilot grif:** first of all, she was like, coughing up blood and shit so go ahead be my guest, if you want a bloody bj. second of all, in case you missed it she's dead now so like, there goes your chance

**Key Tucker:** I said fantasy for a reason dickhead

**pilot grif:** go back to your masterbatorium no one wants to deal with a horny tucker

**Key Tucker:** but I’m always horny

**pilot grif:** I know and did I stutter?

**Pvt. Donut:** Tucker I think you're being really inconsiderate rn. Like first you kept sending those mean comments and now ur saying filthy things about ur fuckbuddies sister :(

**Key Tucker:** is Donut really acting like he isn't the type of popular girl bitch to leave fairy comments

_Pvt. Donut is typing..._

**Key Tucker:** uh oh I'm so scared, except I'm not because fairy comments don't hurt my feelings and anyone who genuinely does get hurt is weak af

**Pvt. Donut:** Tucker I think about you constantly😳💞, about how soon I want you dead💀🤧

**Key Tucker:** like I said weak af

_Pvt. Caboose is online._

**Pvt. Caboose:** why is Tucker crying

**pilot grif:** read up

**Pvt. Caboose:** Okay! up.

**AdMIN Washington:** Tucker, come on, really?

**Key Tucker:** whatever you don't know my internal struggles

_#status-report_

**AdMIN Carolina:** _@SEO-Grif-10 @SEO-Simmons-10_ Status report.

**pilot grif:** no sign of them. so far their interference has been killing one serial kidnapper. no other clear signs of tampering with the dimension.

**Captain Simmons:** We believe they went into hiding as soon as they were able to and have been spending the day learning how to use the Key. With intent, their crossings should become more focused, but I'm unsure of how much longer we have until they become a Class-10 threat.

**AdMIN Carolina:** Understood. Relaying the information to the Board now.

_#general_

**pilot grif:** so whats been happening with you guys?

**Key Tucker:** security has tightened and shit. heard that the board finally got around to talking to Warden Kimball. apparently, some newbies were openly discussing the Keys and that information found it's way to Felix-Z and Locus-X

**pilot grif:** and let me guess, they broke out as soon as they could after

**Pvt. Donut:** Pretty much :/

**pilot grif:** cool. remind me to file a complaint when we get back

**Key Tucker:** if you get back

**Pvt. Donut:** Tucker... come on

**Key Tucker:** fine whatever! Grif, I really hope you come back home safely

**pilot grif:** gross

**Key Tucker:** wait a minute I just realized Donut referred to us as sex buddies

**pilot grif:** as if i would fuck you, nice try donut

**Key Tucker:** yeah, we all know he would rather be fucking Simmons

_Captain Simmons is offline._

**Key Tucker:** it's funny, because, even though he's escaping me, he's not escaping grif

**Pvt. Donut:** on a scale of one to ten how bright is his face right now

**pilot grif:** idk i dont have eyes

**Key Tucker:** did they fall out after looking at Simmons' ass so long?

**pilot grif:** whats up, im grif, im 34, and i'm going to brutally strangle tucker when im back at the barracks

**Pvt. Donut:** kinky!

**Key Tucker:** oh shut the fuck up you're probably into CBT, don't think I forgot about you sexting on a company account amidst all this shit

_Pvt. Donut is offline._

**Key Tucker:** LMAO WAIT STRAIGHT UP??? WOWWW NEVER WOULD HAVE PEGGED DONUT AS THE TYPE

_Pvt. Donut is online._

**Pvt. Donut:** ur literally into pegging irl, you shouldn't talk

_Key Tucker is typing..._

**Pvt. Donut:** make a defense all you like I've literally seen ur search history :)

**AdMIN Washington:** Final reminder that this is a company account-made server, and you shouldn’t be discussing your sexual habits anywhere near me.

**Pvt. Donut:** so we can discuss it so long as you're not around?

**AdMIN Washington:** Since I know nothing in hell will ever stop Tucker from being Like That, yes. Say whatever the hell you want so long as it's not around me.

**Pvt. Donut:** noted!

_[1:06]_

_#status-report_

**pilot grif:** new dimensional coordinates reported. heading to the new world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me sneaking in lore and character development in the crack chat fic? Say it ain't so!
> 
> I hope you guys find these funny as much as I'm enjoying writing them!
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	3. Horny People Do Not Have Rights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Key Tucker:** we've been granted our horny rights back so please describe to me what it was like
> 
>  **pilot grif:** it was a male strip club
> 
>  **Key Tucker:** does it look like I care?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this one. Well, writing all of them really. And I don't know if it's because I write these later in the evening when my brain's all loopy or not.
> 
> Mistakes do not exist here, I have nothing to apologize for.

_[15:21]_

_#general_

**AdMIN Carolina:** If anyone needs to find me, I'll be training in Training Hall-J.

 **AdMIN Washington:** I might join you in a bit, I've been otherwise preoccupied and haven’t had a proper work out in a while.

 **Key Tucker:** with what

 **AdMIN Washington:** Taking care of a bunch of petulant toddlers masquerading as adults.

 **Key Tucker:** why didn't you tell us you were transferred to be in charge of the REDs :( we're gonna miss you Wash

 **Colonel Sarge:** Were it true then he would surely rejoice to be away from you pitiful and sad sacks.

 **AdMIN Washington:** I mean this as sincerely as possible, I don't know how Carolina stands you clowns. Your brand of crazy is something I would never wish on anyone else.

 **Pvt. Donut:** at least clowns make people laugh. Tucker can't even manage that

 **Key Tucker:** honk your little clown nose while you're at it, who needs to be funny when you're as amazing as me?

 **Pvt. Donut:** don't trip in those over-sized shoes of yours, compensating much?

 **AdMIN Washington:** Donut. What did we talk about?

 **Pvt. Donut:** not discussing s*x stuff near you

 **Key Tucker:** wait did you censor that yourself or has Wash finally become a server dictator and made it so we can't say anything s*x**l.

 **Pvt. Donut:** ...

 **Key Tucker:** _change it back._

 **AdMIN Washington:** Sadly, even if I was the one who did it in the first place, there's no way in hell that I would.

 **Key Tucker:** if you didn't do it then who did?

 **Medic DuFresne:** I did!

 **Key Tucker:** since when were you here

 **Medic DuFresne:** Wow, Donut was right, your jokes aren't funny at all!

 **AdMIN Washington:** Oh, wow, Doc. It's been a while since you've been active in here, almost forgot you were, well, here

 **Medic DuFresne:** Yeah, I've been super busy working on a bunch of patients all at once! It gets a little tough being the only SEO Medic on staff, but it's my pleasure to make sure you guys are all ok!

 **Key Tucker:** yeah shut the fuck up, when did you get your grubby mitts into the server settings and how can I do it so I can return our freedom of speech

 **Medic DuFresne:** I don't know Tucker. You guys _were_ kinda going overboard with all the comments so I decided to take the incentive and make this server much more palatable for everyone else

 **Key Tucker:** fucker. what words have you taken from me

 **Medic DuFresne:** Just anything that can be considered not safe for work, so nothing that'll be missed

 **Key Tucker:** dick. p*n*s. h*rny. s*x. p*ssy. fucking. fuck. c*nt. v*g*n*. g*n*t*l**. 

**Pvt. Donut:** you really went down the list, huh.

 **Key Tucker:** why the fuck did you censor p*n*s but not dick, who the fuck even says p*n*s

_Medic DuFresne is typing..._

**AdMIN Washington:** Okay even I think that's excessive, and an eyesore, give me like a minute I'm gonna get rid of the censor.

 **Medic DuFresne:** Aw :(

 **Key Tucker:** YES! Wash I could kiss you, but I won't because I know how to respect your boundaries :)

 **Pvt. Donut:** you sounded a little like Simmons there ^v^b 

**Key Tucker:** good because I was kissing ass on purpose

 **AdMIN Washington:** There. Fixed now.

 **Key Tucker:** sex

 **Pvt. Donut:** sex

 **Key Tucker:** eugh, I hate that we both sent that at the same time

 **AdMIN Carolina:** _@SEO-Grif-10_ You exhaust me on purpose.

 **Key Tucker:** oh fuck yes, gossip, lay it on me, what did Grif do now

 **AdMIN Carolina:** Delivered a random Null to me in the middle of my training.

 **Pvt. Donut:** A Null? weren't they going after Locus-X and Felix-Z?

 **AdMIN Carolina:** Yes.

 **AdMIN Washington:** So they just, what? Caught an additional dimension hopper?

 **AdMIN Carolina:** _Yes._

 **Colonel Sarge:** While I shy away from anything that will make Grif think that he has any place within our society, in this case, I must commend his efforts to boost the capture count for the RED's. Unless he was mooching off the efforts of Simmons, as always, which in that case terrible job, dirtbag!

 **AdMIN Carolina:** He said that Simmons was in pursuit of another one, so you better hold up to your word in telling him he did well, later on, Sarge.

 **AdMIN Washington:** Two criminals in the same dimension? What's the chance that they're completely unrelated to each other?

 **AdMIN Carolina:** Low, but it's unnerving to think that we lost sight of two of them and that they, on the off chance they're unrelated and thus without influencing the other, managed to reach that same dimension. I'm running an identification scan on the man at the moment, but I won't know for sure if they're from the same one until the other Null is brought to me for identification.

 **AdMIN Washington:** Keep us posted if you're allowed.

 **AdMIN Carolina:** It should be fine, I can possibly swing this as being SEO territory.

_pilot grif is online._

**pilot grif:** yo

 **Key Tucker:** how do you guys keep finding criminals?

 **pilot grif:** idk guess we're just special like that

 **Key Tucker:** being a villain magnet is not something you should pride yourself in

 **pilot grif:** probably not

 **Pvt. Donut:** Grif! Spill! The soon-to-not-be Null isn't a confidential case so tell us all the details.

 **pilot grif:** i mean i guess so

_#status-report_

**pilot grif:** simmons noticed that there were three residue trails. we figured that we had about twenty-four hours to find the assets. more than enough time to track down and arrest the two dimensional criminals. the residue was almost expired which is why we decided to do it.

 **AdMIN Washington:** Expired you say? That's pretty concerning. How did they slip through the cracks of our surveillance?

 **pilot grif:** idk. anyways, we split up and i found the guy at a strip club of all places

 **Key Tucker:** we've been granted our horny rights back so please describe to me what it was like

 **pilot grif:** it was a male strip club

 **Key Tucker:** does it look like I care?

 **Pvt. Donut:** no no keep going this is getting interesting now

 **pilot grif:** well, i guess i can throw you a bone. one of the strippers was a simmons null

 **Key Tucker:** wait WHAT?!!!

 **Pvt. Donut:** seriously?! please don't say sike this is the Most Interesting thing that I've been told all month

 **pilot grif:** so then i went up to the null and hit him with a jolt of my neutralizer. dragged him out of the club and dropped him off with carolina. now im talking with you guys while i wait for simmons

 **Key Tucker:** please do NOT slide by the fact that you probably got to bare witness to a Simmons in lingerie how was it what did you feel like seeing him like that

 **pilot grif:** i didnt stop and stare tucker. seeing the null didnt make me feel much of anything

 **Key Tucker:** boo you whore

 **pilot grif:** anyways, im going to go now. im bored talking to you since youre like a one-trick pony

 **Key Tucker:** I actually know multiple tricks, if you want you can find out when you're back home ;)

 **pilot grif:** no <3

_pilot grif is offline._

_[15:56]_

_#general_

_Captain Simmons is online._

**Captain Simmons:** Seriously?! He had the time to get on here but then just wandered off, ugh.

 **Key Tucker:** late to the party aren't you Simmons. didn't even check status-report yet

 **Captain Simmons:** why.

 **Pvt. Donut:** how loud do you think he's going to screech

 **Key Tucker:** pretty damn loud

 **Captain Simmons:** I-

 **Key Tucker:** oh look, he's broken 

**Captain Simmons:** he- but- grif-

_Captain Simmons is typing..._

**Key Tucker:** it literally drove him speechless lmaoooo

 **Pvt. Donut:** This is pretty funny, I wonder what he's going to type up

_#status-report_

**AdMIN Washington:** _@SEO-Simmons-10_ Care to fill us in on your side of the side-mission.

 **Captain Simmons:** Of course! Just one second!

 **AdMIN Washington:** Sure thing.

 **Captain Simmons:** It didn't take long to find and neutralize the Null. He was browsing through a bookstore and I managed to shock him before he even knew he had been caught. I did my best to discreetly move the body back to the meeting point, but Grif still isn't here.

 **AdMIN Washington:** That's worrying. He was just here, at the very least, the Null he handed over has been identified. No one special, Doe-N7.

 **Captain Simmons:** I wonder if my Null is from the same dimension as Doe-N7. But I guess I won't know until Grif finally gets his ass over here.

_Captain Simmons is offline._

_[16:19]_

_#status-report_

_Captain Simmons is online._

_pilot grif is online._

**pilot grif:** so, uh. good news and bad news. good news, carolina has the other null- now identified as Biff-V18. so, not the same universe.

 **Captain Simmons:** The bad news is a lot worse...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deciding to have this one take place midchapter to help give more context that wouldn't be found within the limited point of view!
> 
> Forgot to mention this in the other update but I went back and added more terms to the glossary over on my Tumblr's blog if anyone needs a good key for this AU!
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing).


	4. Pics or It Didn't Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **pilot grif:** question.
> 
> **Captain Simmons:** No having an alternate already die does not exclude you from that statement.
> 
> **pilot grif:** no questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll finally have some time tomorrow to add more art to this fic, but finger's crossed about that.
> 
> There are no mistakes in chat fics, and even if they were, no they weren't <3.

_[17:38]_

_#general_

_pilot grif is online._

**pilot grif:** hey siri, how do i deal with the fact that ive seen my dead body twice in less than a week

**Key Tucker:** Grif, wtf

**pilot grif:** google- cooping with the fact that other versions of yourself are weak ass bitches wikiHow

**Pvt. Donut:** Grif are you ok?

**pilot grif:** ye, why wouldn't i be

**Key Tucker:** idk dude, given the shit you've _just_ said, I think you're not doing too hot

**Pvt. Donut:** plus shouldn't you feel a kinship to these alternate versions of yourself?

**Key Tucker:** also like, if this is a trend you should watch your ass because you could be next

**pilot grif:** rip to dexter-t8 and grif-w19 but im different

_Captain Simmons is online._

**Captain Simmons:** My favorite part about all of this is that it's been the same dude responsible each time. And by favorite I mean I hate it so fucking much.

**pilot grif:** oh yeah speaking of which _@AdMIN-Carolina-10_

**AdMIN Carolina:** Yes, Grif?

**pilot grif:** whats the protocol for getting a multiversal restraining order. im being dead serious rn

**AdMIN Carolina:** I can fill out the necessary paperwork for you now, do you know the name of the individual responsible?

**pilot grif:** i dont remember, simmons who did w19 say escaped from prison 

**Captain Simmons:** I think, he mentioned someone named Temple?

**pilot grif:** yeah, that mightve been the bitch. Carolina can you check the death records specifically for dimensions t8 and w19? if someone named temple is dead in both of them, circa around the same time that dexter-t8 and grif-w19 died, then thats the guy i want far farrr away from me

**Key Tucker:** yo, is Grif of all people really admitting that he was disturbed by something for once

**AdMIN Carolina:** I'll run a scan through the database now.

**pilot grif:** cool.

**Captain Simmons:** Eugh, I can't believe my boot touched a dead body. It's gonna be so hard getting some fucking sleep tonight.

**pilot grif:** take off the boot then if it bothers you so much

**Captain Simmons:** How about no?

**Key Tucker:** it's because he doesn't have any socks on

**Captain Simmons:** Literally shut the fuck up Tucker.

**Key Tucker:** for feet pics I will

**Captain Simmons:** Cool, I'm currently blocking Tucker.

**pilot grif:** how much would you pay for them

**Captain Simmons:** GRIF???

**Key Tucker:** d- do you have them in stock already

**pilot grif:** no but theyd be easy to get

**Pvt. Donut:** I'm suddenly heavily interested in this development.

**Captain Simmons:** I literally hate all of you so much I hope you all die.

**pilot grif:** question.

**Captain Simmons:** No having an alternate already die does not exclude you from that statement.

**pilot grif:** no questions.

**Key Tucker:** so have you guys actually made any progress beyond fucking things up for everyone else

**pilot grif:** not really. i mean, we probably traumatized the w19 versions of us by uncovering the box w19 me was trapped in

**Key Tucker:** _bruh_

**AdMIN Washington:** Yeah, it's no longer optional for you to go to the Medical Facilities when this is all done and over with.

**pilot grif:** why

**AdMIN Washington:** You do realize that experiencing two dimensional double deaths is not normal, right?

**pilot grif:** oh word? damn thats crazy

**Captain Simmons:** I'll make sure he goes, Wash. I know I'm gonna need it for myself...

**pilot grif:** it wasnt even ur body though

**Captain Simmons:** What, I can't be upset at seeing my friend dead twice?

**pilot grif:** you didnt even really look at the bodies, all i did was tell you that the doubles were dead

**Captain Simmons:** And maybe I didn't look at them because they would upset me??? I have no idea how you're able to stand looking at them.

**pilot grif:** in our line of work this isnt even the craziest thing we have to deal with. theyre not even me to begin with

**Key Tucker:** ok yeah but it's still like, you. anyone of them could have been you if you from this dimension

**pilot grif:** im built different

**Key Tucker:** oh so ur not fat in other dimensions?

**pilot grif:** haha funny joke oh my god ur so original go suck a cock

**Key Tucker:** I can't, you’re not back yet ;(

**pilot grif:** Caboose what's it like sharing a room with this cockbite?

**Pvt. Caboose:** He's so loud, like, all the time. Very, very loud at night too. But I can be louder than him but when I yell he gets mad and says its time to play the quiet game

**pilot grif:** every day i thank god that i share a room with simmons

**Pvt. Caboose:** and like, Tucker would never be able to win the quiet game. So I don't get why he plays when he knows he'll lose

_Key Tucker is typing..._

**AdMIN Washington:** Do I even want to know what he's going to say in response.

**pilot grif:** no

**Pvt. Donut:** Nope

**Captain Simmons:** Probably not.

**AdMIN Washington:** Right. Should have known that from the start.

**AdMIN Carolina:** Grif. I'm going to send you the file that came up in the database. Corroborate if that's the man.

**pilot grif:** k

_[17:45]_

**pilot grif:** yeah thats him. keep mark temples ass far, far away from me k thnx

**AdMIN Carolina:** From what I've seen in that file, I don't blame you for wanting a multiversal restraining order.

**Key Tucker:** why what was in the file

**pilot grif:** dude you dont even wanna know

**Captain Simmons:** Um, Carolina, not to rush you, but how soon do you think you can get that through?

**AdMIN Carolina:** I'll put a priority order on it.

**pilot grif:** what a relief.

**AdMIN Carolina:** Besides this, was there any progress made today?

**pilot grif:** no.

**Captain Simmons:** We had no additional interactions with the Assets.

**AdMIN Carolina:** This is starting to get tiring.

**Captain Simmons:** You're telling us...

**AdMIN Carolina:** I don't mean to pressure the two of you, but if possible, please do better.

**Captain Simmons:** We understand. Sorry to disappoint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will this be the end of any Temple involvement in the main fic? Ha, probably not no. Restraining orders are pretty flawed because you really can't physically stop the person from approaching you. A multiversal one just means that Grif is licensed to neutralize any Temple-Nulls that approach him. Which is good for Grif-10, not so much any other Grif-Nulls.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	5. Wine, Cheese, and Memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Pvt. Donut:** you take commissions?
> 
>  **Key Tucker:** I’m not gonna draw your fucking fursona fuck off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally had time today to make some more art for this! I did it during my drawing class because my professor just rambles so I might as well be productive.
> 
> There are no mistakes in chat fics, love xoxo <3!

_[21:25]_

_#general_

**Key Tucker:** ok, is anyone else lowkey kinda concerned that we haven't heard from those two idiots yet?

 **AdMIN Washington:** Just a bit. They haven't made a status repeat yet, and usually, they're online by this point.

 **AdMIN Carolina:** I've left them a message but they didn't answer when I tried radioing in earlier today.

 **Key Tucker:** you think they finally managed to confront the assets and like, died?

 **AdMIN Carolina:** No. Their pins would have pinged us if they died.

 **Key Tucker:** oh yeah good point. I often forgot that we're literally chipped

 **Pvt. Donut:** I wish I could forget. I'm reminded of it every time I look in the mirror and see the ugly half-shaved hairstyle I've been forced to rock since getting it

 **Key Tucker:** I could have sworn you had the same exact hairstyle before getting pinned tho

 **Pvt. Donut:** you've literally never seen me before becoming a SEO

 **Key Tucker:** what are you talking about I could have swornn- oh fcuk

 **Pvt. Donut:** ????

 **Key Tucker:** nvrmind, ignore me

 **Pvt. Donut:** uh, no? tell me what you were gonna say

 **Key Tucker:** ok, let's just say that I hypothetically of course looked up everyone on the internet and may have or may not have seen pictures of you with said hairstyle in your photos on basebook

 **Pvt. Donut:** lol that's not even that weird Tucker, I did the same thing after first meeting you guys!

 **Key Tucker:** that's exactly why I didn't wanna say shit, any time I have anything in common with you I wanna gauge out my eyeballs

 **Pvt. Donut:** with that attitude, it looks like _someone_ isn't getting invited to my next wine and cheese hour

 **Key Tucker:** what type of wine

 **Pvt. Donut:** wouldn't you like to know

 **Pvt. Caboose:** he would yeah, and uh me too

 **Pvt. Donut:** Caboose!!! You enjoy wine too?

 **Pvt. Caboose:** yes.

 **Pvt. Donut:** you should have told me sooner I would have invited you way sooner, it used to be an all RED event but considering that my two favorite boy toys are off who knows where I will gladly make do with you BLUE's

 **Key Tucker:** don't let Sarge hear you say that

 **Pvt. Donut:** he took his melatonin he's out like a light and I'm counting on you guys to spam the hell out of this chat when everyone else logs off. he won't read the messages if he sees more than five back to back BLUE responses

 **Key Tucker:** bet

 **Pvt. Donut:** thanks Tucker, maybe you can come to my w&c hour after all <333

 **Key Tucker:** alcohol is alcohol <3

 **Pvt. Donut:** no <3

 **Key Tucker:** bitch. oh hey wait, y'all wanna see something I worked really hard on :)?

 **AdMIN Washington:** My gut says to say no, and I don't trust that emoticon, however, I am quite fond of cats so go ahead. Show us.

 **Key Tucker:** haha ok sweet, one sec.

 **Pvt. Donut:** the anticipation is killing me

 **Key Tucker:** _[3 attachments: bitch.png, foureyestwink.png, foureyestwink2.png]_

__

__

__

**Pvt. Donut:** I-

 **AdMIN Washington:** Tucker, what the fuck am I staring at.

 **Key Tucker:** are you not amused?

 **AdMIN Washington:** I'm _exhausted._

 **Key Tucker:** why are you booing me? I'm not wrong

 **Pvt. Donut:** did you really make those and if so how long did it take

 **Key Tucker:** I dusted off the old fine arts degree I spent one semester on and did In Fact make those myself. aren't I fucking amazing at literally everything I do

 **Pvt. Donut:** you take commissions?

 **Key Tucker:** I’m not gonna draw your fucking fursona fuck off

 **Pvt. Donut:** not only are you losing a potential customer but you're neutering yourself from a pliable demographic

 **Key Tucker:** 1) find a bitch who cares, 2) never use the word neuter in the context of myself, stay away from my nuts, thanks

 **Pvt. Donut:** coward

 **AdMIN Washington:** what even compelled you to make those

 **Key Tucker:** boredom, also because their reactions are going to be funny as all

 **AdMIN Washington:** Fair enough.

 **Pvt. Donut:** ok but you got the color of the portal wrong

 **Key Tucker:** wdym it's blue

 **Pvt. Donut:** Key rifts are blue. Pilot portals are yellow-green

 **Key Tucker:** deadass?

 **Pvt. Donut:** yeah, you haven't seen Grif do his thing before?

 **Key Tucker:** I might just scream do you know how long it took me to make that fuck that noise I’m not going back and fixing it Grif's portals are blue now I don't give a fuck

 **Pvt. Donut:** yikes

 **Key Tucker:** don't yikes me I'll go to your room right now

 **Pvt. Donut:** is that a threat, promise, or date?

 **Key Tucker:** it's a death warrant

 **Pvt. Donut:** good luck trying to get past Sarge

 **Key Tucker:** I could take him

 **Pvt. Donut:** in his natural habitat? I think not

 **Key Tucker:** oh wow I'm so scared of a cranky old man

 **Pvt. Donut:** you ever wake up Sarge before? in his room? where he has access to his workbench that holds weapons of mass destruction duck taped together by a literal mad man?

 **Key Tucker:** hm. perhaps I am rethinking my previous train of thought

 **Pvt. Donut:** yeah thought so xoxo

_[00:16]_

**Key Tucker:** ok I'm officially concerned for them now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like dropping additional worldbuilding/lore in here because it's where you'd least expect it to be. 
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	6. PM: Key Tucker & Pvt. Donut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Key Tucker**  
>  cant I pm a friend in my  
> time of need?
> 
> **Pvt. Donut**  
>  not when it’s you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a more serious chapter this go around! I hope you guys enjoy it!

_ [00:43] _

**Key Tucker**

hey

**Pvt. Donut**

Is something wrong, Tucker?

**Key Tucker**

besides the obvious? no why

**Pvt. Donut**

you never PM me

when I saw the message I thought it was

doc for a sec

**Key Tucker**

cant I pm a friend in my

time of need?

**Pvt. Donut**

not when it’s you

**Key Tucker**

fair

**Pvt. Donut**

but no seriously is anything wrong?

**Key Tucker**

overheard Wash not too long ago

**Pvt. Donut**

oh????

**Key Tucker**

they're putting out a priority

deo mandate. the locus and

felix thing is becoming more

of a problem

**Pvt. Donut**

oh no

what happened

why now?

**Key Tucker**

estimated 300+ deaths

**Pvt. Donut**

christ

**Key Tucker**

and rising. people are

still dying

**Pvt. Donut**

what even happened

**Key Tucker**

three collapsed skyscrapers

the two nutcases must have

bombed them or something

**Pvt. Donut**

those poor people

**Key Tucker**

and while Grif and Simmons pins

haven't gone off or whatever

I'm worried

they've never gone this long

without checking in

**Pvt. Donut**

I know what you mean

I'm starting to get really worried too

**Key Tucker**

all I can imagine is that they're stuck

under some rubble or some shit

and that's why their pin hasn't 

sounded off yet

**Pvt. Donut**

I don't want to imagine it.

What type of mandate was

Wash discussing

**Key Tucker**

All available Pilot/Captain 

partners are to go out in

search of the two assets

**Pvt. Donut**

_ all?! _

**Key Tucker**

yeah. which also means

that we're not gonna be doing

shit because our one partner

coupling is already deep in

that mess

**Pvt. Donut**

they're not sending you out?

**Key Tucker**

they can't lose another key

**Pvt. Donut**

right...

**Key Tucker**

it's just- frustrating!

like our friends are out there

risking their lives and they might

be dead and dying and we won’t know

until they talk in the stupid fucking 

server!

**Pvt. Donut**

they still have time to respond

**Key Tucker**

its the next day. locus-x and felix-z

have already moved on to the next 

dimension. if they're still alive then

they lost them

**Pvt. Donut**

I don't wanna say you have a point

but... it's not looking good

**Key Tucker**

I just want to help them out

but I can't do shit.

**Pvt. Donut**

Isn't Wash a pilot? Why can't you partner

with him to help out

**Key Tucker**

retired pilot. remember his model 

exploded or some shit while he was 

using it?

**Pvt. Donut**

right. I totally forgot about that

**Key Tucker**

it's the only reason why a high ranker

is even in charge of us. Carolina is 

just along for the ride

**Pvt. Donut**

this whole thing sucks

**Key Tucker**

Yeah. You're telling me

**Pvt. Donut**

but I'm not gonna let that 

ruin my night, we gotta think

positive! so long as the pins haven't

gone off then they're still ok!

**Key Tucker**

its morning.

**Pvt. Donut**

whatever my point still stands

**Key Tucker**

yeah whatever

**Pvt. Donut**

I can see you're still upset

**Key Tucker**

ofc I'm still upset

**Pvt. Donut**

which do you need from me right now

reassurance or a distraction

**Key Tucker**

distraction

**Pvt. Donut**

ok cool. coming over to your

barracks 

**Key Tucker**

not that kind of distraction 

but thanks for offering ;)

**Pvt. Donut**

I was going to bring my card pack

but never mind you 

don't deserve anything nice

**Key Tucker**

no wait come back I wanna play

**Pvt. Donut**

that's what I thought

I'll see you in a bit

**Key Tucker**

yeah see you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I wasn't even sure if I was gonna have a chat log for this day since the main fic had a flashback- hence, why this is being updated much later than the other one- but I figured I wanted to keep up the streak I got so why not!
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	7. PM: Captain Simmons & pilot grif

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _[17:04]_
> 
> **Captain Simmons**  
>  Where are you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bleh, I like doing sillier chapters for DIMEcord, but I needed things to line up with what's going on in the main fic so here's an insight to all of the messages that Simmons spammed Grif with.
> 
> All of the mistakes are intentional in this.

_ [16:58] _

**Captain Simmons**

Grif. I lost sight of you

after you got separated

with Locus-X. Respond

so that I can know you're

location.

I managed to escape from

Felix-Z although I have a

feeling that he let me go.

_ [17:04] _

**Captain Simmons**

Where are you?

_ [17:07] _

**Captain Simmons**

I've searched the surrounding

area and haven't caught sight

of you or Locus-X.

_ [17:13] _

**Captain Simmons**

or a dead body

_ [17:18] _

**Captain Simmons**

Grif. Seriously. Send

me some sort of message

so that I know you're ok.

_ [17:25] _

**Captain Simmons**

I can't tell if these bloodstains

are yours or others.

_ [17:32] _

**Captain Simmons**

What am I supposed to 

do if you got buried under

the rubble like some kind

of idiot because you would

have that type of luck.

Answer my messages.

_ [17:46] _

**Captain Simmons**

I'm not contacting anyone

from DIME until I know

you're ok.

Your pin didn't go off.

But that could just mean

that you're slowly dying.

Passed out.

_ [17:47] _

**Captain Simmons**

I can't get any closer.

Emergency personal are the

the only ones allowed

near the buildings.

So you could be under

them and I just wouldn't know.

_ [18:46] _

**Captain Simmons**

I can't even track your residue trail

do you know how frustrating that 

is? That we have the same trkc so

the stipd fucking thing is just argjh!

_ [18:53] _

**Captain Simmons**

I don't think I ever told you

how grateful I am that we became

friends. Because how pathetic would

that be.

Having your Pilot hate you. I'd make

a pretty bad Captain if that had happened

Please don't make me hate you

for leaving me

_ [19:04] _

**Captain Simmons**

I don't want to contact DIME.

I feel guilty.

Because you're probably dead

and it's all my fault.

I was scared of the repercussions.

That we'd die for fucking up.

_ [19:08] _

**Captain Simmons**

fat lot of good that did

you're probablydead

_ [20:17] _

**Captain Simmons**

Managed to track down the Assets.

Not approaching.

Need to get the coordinates.

And for that to be useful I'm

gonna need my Pilot.

_ [22:58] _

**Captain Simmons**

They're getting ready to head out

soon.

So, if you're actually alive

like my pin is telling me you

are.

Answer, respond, whatever.

_ [23:11] _

**Captain Simmons**

I won't even care if you talk in the

server first before answering

these.

If you're actually alive you're going

to think these are all embarrassing

how im worried about you

_ [23:16] _

**Captain Simmons**

you never did seem to care for

people being worried about

you or whate yooure doing

or how people may perceive

your assholish tendencies

but i think ive known you 

longenough to know you 

actually do care.

_ [23:29] _

**Captain Simmons**

right?

_ [23:33] _

**Captain Simmons**

The others talk about 

you sometimes, but 

never me.

Guess I'll have to talk

about you when youre

gone so that people

will know that you 

actually were not 

all that bad in the end.

_ [23:35] _

**Captain Simmons**

I mean. I've always well

assumed. That you cared.

In your own Grif way.

No one else agreed.

_ [23:45] _

**pilot grif**

hey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something I plan to showcase in the Universal Punishment Arc that we're moving into is that Simmons' opinion and image of Grif are super, super biased because he like Grif. This chapter foils what went over in the main fic. Richard-Null versus Simmons-10 of a sort.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	8. Cronkcrete

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **pilot grif:** ate concrete
> 
> **Key Tucker:** bruh what??
> 
> **pilot grif:** ate concrete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, so glad to be back with making non-serious chapters, I like this fic acting as more crack with some lore/world building than anything else. I've also been sitting on this image to put in since the pre-planning stage.
> 
> There are no mistakes in chat fic land <3

_ [09:34] _

_ #general _

**Key Tucker:** so, like, they didn't have a will. right?

**AdMIN Washington:** I literally loath to ask, but  _ why _ do you want to know?

**Key Tucker:** I'm just saying. They don't have a will and they're probably super dead so like, who's gonna get their stuff??

**AdMIN Washington:** Anything that's DIME property will stay at DIME but personal items will most likely be sent back to their family members.

**Key Tucker:** grif hates his family so can I get his stuff instead

**Pvt. Donut:** Tucker that's so fucking rude to just ask >:((

**Key Tucker:** oh don't act high and mighty I always see you eyeing that fucking family cookbook in his room, I just know you're waiting to pounce and steal it for yourself

**Pvt. Donut:** such a mean and terrible thing to accuse me of Tucker

**Key Tucker:** translation, 'I am too much a pussy to outright say it'

**Pvt. Donut:** They're not even dead anyway so you're not getting anything of theirs

**Key Tucker:** c'mon, it's been way too long, there's no way they're still alive

**AdMIN Washington:** We haven't heard back from them yet, regrettably.

**Pvt. Donut:** but their pins are still active???? right??

**AdMIN Carolina:** Yes, but that doesn't mean much.

**Key Tucker:** wdym

**AdMIN Carolina:** They could be incapacitated in any number of ways, and so long as they don't die their pins won't alert us to their body.

**Key Tucker:** all the captain/pilots have managed to track down the last dimension they were in right?

**AdMIN Carolina:** Yes, but they can't do much. Currently, that section of the dimension is sectioned off for emergency relief and excavating. The rubble and everything hasn’t been cleared yet.

**Key Tucker:** yikes

**Pvt. Donut:** yikes is right

**Key Tucker:** well I still say that we figure out and call dibs on their stuff just in case. If Simmons heard that I was eyeing up his Pokémon card binders he would rise from the grave to beat the shit out of me himself

_ pilot grif is online. _

_ Several people are typing... _

**pilot grif:** _[1 attachment: fullsizerender.jpeg]_

_ _

**Key Tucker:** GRIF

**Pvt. Donut:** Griffffff TvT

**Key Tucker:** YO WTF THAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU SEND,  _ REALLY _

**Pvt. Donut:** What happened to your nose??? Are you ok you look feverish!!!

**pilot grif:** ate concrete

**Key Tucker:** bruh what??

**pilot grif:** ate concrete

**AdMIN Washington:** Grif, it's not that I'm disappointed you're alive, but I think you have some more  _ pressing _ things you should be telling us  _ at the moment. _

**pilot grif:** huh oh wait yeah one sec

_ #status-report _

**pilot grif:** ate concrete

**AdMIN Carolina:** This is your first and only warning Grif.

**pilot grif:** ok fine yeesh. so. simmons and me arrived fine and dandy to the newest dimension when a building exploded in front of us

**Key Tucker:** fuck, you guys got caught up in that?

**pilot grif:** sorta. we went after the assets and they blew up, like, two more buildings. we lowkey faced off against them but simms and i got separated and locus-z was gonna fucking decimate me. got lucky that a wall of skyscraper fell between the two of us.

**Pvt. Donut:** sorry to derail but I'm not really seeing the eating concrete part of all this

**pilot grif:** that happened after i went back over the newly formed wall to find either the asset or simmons and then he sniped me from afar and shot me in the calf

**Key Tucker:** _WHAT?!_

**Pvt. Donut:** _Grif?!??!?!?_

**AdMIN Washington:** Perhaps you should have started with that instead of saying 'ate concrete,' Jesus are you ok?

**pilot grif:** ye.

**Key Tucker:** really now

**pilot grif:** well, first i got treated by a simmons-null and after meeting up with simmons again we ran into another grif-null in the next dimension. he's going to get me something called a medical pack or whatever to fix my leg

**Key Tucker:** well that's lucky of you.

**pilot grif:** ikr. anyways, we neutralized a locus-null by accident, and im pretty much waiting on him to wake up and kill us <3

**Key Tucker:** hold on, a locus-null?!

**pilot grif:** you would not believe how pissed we are that this is the closest we got to being over with this shit but then it turned out to be the wrong dude

**Pvt. Donut:** you had the right idea but the wrong bitch :(

**AdMIN Washington:** Ok, well, firstly, this is a  _ lot _ Grif. But given your current predicament, it's understandable the radio silence until now. Secondly, I need to inform you that all Captain and Pilot pairs have been tasked with tracking down the Assets as well. Thirdly, I wish you all the luck because if that Locus-Null is anything like Locus-Z then you're going to need it.

**pilot grif:** all cap/pi pairs?

**AdMIN Washington:** Yes.

**pilot grif:** oh word, ok

**Key Tucker:** you doing ok now though right?

**pilot grif:** yeah, just kinda chilling for a bit. might log off now though and relay to simmons that everything is fine

**Key Tucker:** ok. also I know I was dicking around earlier but I'm really happy you're ok

**Pvt. Donut:** same here grif <333

**pilot grif:** gross.

_ pilot grif is offline. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like doing these chapters in the middle of the main fic update, idk I feel like it really adds more to the AU as a whole. Could just be me, however, haha!
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	9. Share Your Kin List, Tucker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Key Tucker:** shit you right, ok if kinning won't work guess I'll just have to manifest some change
> 
> **Pvt. Donut:** and if that doesn't work then hexing is good too
> 
> **Key Tucker:** you fucking would know how to hex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really excited about this chapter I hope you all like it!
> 
> There are no mistakes ever in my pure chat fic. Simple as.

_ [18:45] _

_ #general _

**Key Tucker:** not that I'm trying to support RED supremacy (eugh, disgusting) but how are my boys doing up against the other captain pilot people

**Pvt. Donut:** your boys?

**Key Tucker:** I own at least half of Grif's ass, the other half is Simmons' obvi. 

**Pvt. Donut:** what do I own then? his p-word :0?

**Key Tucker:** Cock. Anyways don't fucking derail the conversation rude bithc

**AdMIN Washington:** So far no such luck, but we've got people scanning the dimensions for signs of the Assets. Or, you know, Carolina's headaches could contact you guys- my headaches- and then we could have a whole team on their tail. Just a thought.

**Key Tucker:** wow ok, I know you love me Wash and that you find me so irresistible but your complex has to go buddy

**Pvt. Donut:** if everyone's out handling this case does that mean we have to pick up the slack

**AdMIN Washington:** Unfortunately yes. I'm sure you'll all be happy with the extra workload.

**Key Tucker:** hahaha oh my gosh wash ur sooooo funny, please tell me more

**AdMIN Washington:** And Tucker here of course will handle most of the grunt work! Since he so happily volunteered to do so

**Key Tucker:** fuckign. Wash, you wouldn't do that to me, and here's why

**AdMIN Washington:** Literally nothing you can say will get you out of it.

**Key Tucker:** Caboose is my partner and if you assign me all this work then that means you're also punishing him.

_ AdMIN Washington is typing... _

**Key Tucker:** Bitch! I fucking knew it! Ha, bet ur thinking twice now about it

**AdMIN Washington:** I have come to the conclusion that I'll just make him Donut's temporary partner.

**Pvt. Donut:** but Wash, Sarge is already my partner and he's still here at DIME????

**AdMIN Washington:** Yes, but for this assignment you four will be switching partners.

**Key Tucker:** and leave me with SARGE?!?

**AdMIN Washington:** Yes, I do believe that that's a fitting punishment.

**Key Tucker:** give me a minute I need to kin Simmons real quick to kissass my way out of this problem

_ pilot grif is online. _

**Key Tucker:** LMAOOOO he  _ would _ show up right as soon as his twink bf was mentioned

**AdMIN Washington:** You know, the more you type the less likely you are to sway my mind.

**Key Tucker:** shit you right, ok if kinning won't work guess I'll just have to manifest some change

**Pvt. Donut:** and if that doesn't work then hexing is good too

**Key Tucker:** you fucking would know how to hex

**Pvt. Donut:** are you really trying to provoke someone who knows how to hex?

**Key Tucker:** I so desperately want to refute and say I'm not scared of fake magic but we literally monitor and protect the multiverse. There is nothing stopping you from going to a dimension where witchcraft can and will hurt me.

**AdMIN Washington:** Ok, anyone else concerned that Grif came online but didn't say anything.

**Key Tucker:** oh wait, yo I didn't even notice you've got a point Wash

_ Captain Simmons is online. _

**Key Tucker:** and there's Simmons, what's up dude.

_ [18:49] _

**Pvt. Donut:** dang, unless he's reading the backlog, this is the first time Simmons has outright ignored us when we mentioned him directly

**Key Tucker:** after the scare those assholes put us through last time, I'm inclined to worry about their asses

**AdMIN Carolina:** One second, I'll handle it. They're due for another status report anyhow.

_ #status-report _

**AdMIN Carolina:** _@SEO-Grif-10 @SEO-Simmons-10_ Status report.

**pilot grif:** hold on im making a server for our alternate selves

**AdMIN Carolina:** What.

**Captain Simmons:** Please don't be mad at me, I tried stopping him.

**AdMIN Carolina:** _What._

**Key Tucker:** wait wait wait are you guys being fr rn?

**pilot grif:** if we are no I didn't yes I did <3

**Pvt. Donut:** is that like, against the rules or anything

**AdMIN Washington:** I... technically no, since we go over how to create cross-dimensional contact with people from other dimensions but this is not what they're  _ meant _ for.

**pilot grif:** no balls you can't get mad at me im not breaking any rules

**AdMIN Carolina:** Simmons, since you're the most reasonable, could you  _ please _ give a status report while your Pilot makes it onto my shit list inch by inch due to his stupidity.

**Captain Simmons:** Of course! One second, please.

_ Captain Simmons is typing... _

**pilot grif:** locus-s15 is a pretty cool dude, too bad my server is going to be for the cool kids only

**Key Tucker:** I thought you just said he was a cool dude

**pilot grif:** yeah he's a cool dude not a fucking cool kid there's a difference

**Captain Simmons:** As it turns out, the Assets stole Locus-S15's ship, so to not lose their trail Grif went and acquired a spacecraft from a planet called Chorus. He then came back for me, Locus-S15, and Grif-S15 because we assumed that the two groups- they were already in progress of going after Temple-S15 and his crew- would likely converge.

**Key Tucker:** yo wait Temple, yo Grif ain't that the bitch you have a restraining order on

**pilot grif:** ye.

**Key Tucker:** have you seen the dude yet, I bet you're just waiting to take him the fuck out

**pilot grif:** if i had my way they'd all just drop dead, i don't want him near me

**Pvt. Donut:** that's soooo understandable considering the things you've already seen alternate versions of him do :((

**pilot grif:** ok so anyways since simmons pretty much cleared everything up im dipping i got a server to make k byee

* * *

_ [The GRIFulation Server; 19:50] _

_ #general _

_ pilot grif has added grif-s15. _

**grif-s15:** yo this is so sick.

**pilot grif:** this is a test of pure narcissism. i would have called it the jerk circle but that'd be a little much

**grif-s15:** how do i change my name

**pilot grif:** idfk figure it out what am i ur mom

**grif-s15:** no ur me but that's probably even worse

**pilot grif:** self-depreciation buddies?

**Hate Glue:** self-depreciation buddies

**pilot grif:** that's the name ur going with damn i was jking

**Hate Glue:** couldn't think of anything better

**pilot grif:** well anyways, as you can probably tell this is a server and not a pm. essentially, im tryna make our jerk circle bigger eventually

**Hate Glue:** dope. would be cool to have a club of just grif's

**pilot grif:** it'll be a good basis for who is the superior grif- which is obviously me

**Hate Glue:** ok bet?

**pilot grif:** ur name is literally hate glue ur not even in the running

**grif-s15:** ok i changed it back. so that i can make you eat those words later on

**pilot grif:** i'd like to see you try 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! This is finally the chapter with the snippet from the summary! Truthfully, the idea of having Grif-10 interact with all of the Grif-Nulls originated from this really weird and unfinished chat fic I wrote whilst feverish that involved all of the Bingo Grif's being in a group chat. It was only ok, so I wanted to go back and revamp the concept and that resulted in this fic, which is so much more refined in my opinion.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	10. We Talking Death Note or Burn Book Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Pvt. Donut:** I'm always there with you in spirit, wearing a cheerleading outfit and giving moral support
> 
> **Key Tucker:** male or female cheerleading outfit
> 
> **Pvt. Donut:** which do you prefer me in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was almost worried that I wouldn't get this chapter done at all, it's pretty late over here at the moment, nearing midnight. But I made it! As always, since I never back down from a challenge!
> 
> All mistakes are intentional.

_ [23:13] _

_ #general _

**Key Tucker:** so uh, you guys all heard about those two officers whose pins went down right?

**Pvt. Donut:** Yeah :(( I didn't really know them well but I think Grif and Simmons knew Hammer in passing

**Key Tucker:** has anyone been able to retrieve their bodies yet? @AdMIN-Washington-10

**AdMIN Washington:** Not yet, everything's kind of slowed down on our end because of how stretched thin or other officers are. Not enough locked down portals to go around.

**Key Tucker:** so we're just leaving their bodies lying around? what if some weirdo gets to them first

**AdMIN Washington:** I highly doubt that would be a concern.

**Key Tucker:** you don't know that, do you even know how they died yet?

**AdMIN Washington:** No, that's what the autopsy is for. Where are you going with this?

**Key Tucker:** I'm just saying, that, perhaps- they got killed by some sicko and by us not getting their bodies yet we're simply subjecting them to the machinations of their killers

**AdMIN Washington:** I didn't realize you felt this strongly about the death of your fellow officers.

**Key Tucker:** I don't.

**Pvt. Donut:** then why are you making such a big fuss??

**Key Tucker:** consider this whole thing a test run that will come in handy in the future

**Pvt. Donut:** waht do you mean- oh, ohhhhhhh oh ok yeah I agree. I too am now invested in how long it'll take to retrieve said bodies

**AdMIN Washington:** Look, guys, your thinly veiled concern for Grif and Simmons is very heartwarming and I'm sure they'll be flattered that you two have such faith in them and are invested in what happens after they die. But we're all doing our best to make this situation work, and unfortunately, that means we're not as efficient as we normally our when it comes to mission failure procedures.

**Key Tucker:** oh fuck you it doesn't hurt to be prepared

**Pvt. Donut:** and we most definitely want them to come home fine but like, this has been going on for so long already. like Tucker said, it doesn't hurt to be prepared and squash any false hope now

**Key Tucker:** the day I see Donut being pragmatic is the day you gotta admit I'm right Wash, and that day is today

**AdMIN Washington:** Fine. It's not a bad outlook to have, and you guys are asking good questions. How about I investigate more and see if we could possibly speed up the recovery process

**Key Tucker:** I'm gonna take it as a good sign that you're willing to do that for two randos, it means you'll move heaven or hell for our randos as well <333

_ [00:12] _

_ pilot grif is online. _

**pilot grif:** oh k nice, we love to see discussions about my death, love to see it

**Key Tucker:** can you really blame us though :/

**pilot grif:** considering the dimension we  _ just _ went through? no, yall are valid as all hell

**Key Tucker:** oh??

**pilot grif:** speaking of which

_ #status-report _

**pilot grif:** so like idk if you guys were told but hammer and some other fucking dude are dead

**AdMIN Washington:** Wait, you were there to witness it?

**pilot grif:** not so much listen as hear the whole thing go down. simms and me were hiding in a blockaded room because we werent in the mood to get mauled by that weird fucking chimera alien

**Key Tucker:** hold on, chimera  _ waht now???? _

**pilot grif:** it looks as ugly as it sounds. big ass scorpo tail and six eyes at the least with mandibles that it was using to cut people in half and snap off heads

**AdMIN Washington:** Am I to presume that that beast is what killed the two officers?

**pilot grif:** yeah. looked like a nasty way to go too

**Key Tucker:** I thought you said you didn't see it

**pilot grif:** no i peaked their bodies just before we moved onto the new dimension

**Key Tucker:** bruh, that's weird af

**pilot grif:** i wanted to see the alien and figure out what had killed it. turns out it was the overcharge from hammer's exoskeleton. which is weird since it interfered with radio waves and electronics. or maybe not weird idk simmons would know not me

**Pvt. Donut:** so you guys were being chased down by that monster thing?

**pilot grif:** pretty much

**Pvt. Donut:** sounds terrible, thanks I hate it

**pilot grif:** you weren't? even? there??

**Pvt. Donut:** I'm always there with you in spirit, wearing a cheerleading outfit and giving moral support

**Key Tucker:** male or female cheerleading outfit

**Pvt. Donut:** which do you prefer me in

**Key Tucker:** wait- no I- fuck you

**pilot grif:** anyways, yeah, figured I should give you guys the heads up because when you go to get his body you'll see the alien

**Pvt. Donut:** permission to have nothing to do with this?

**AdMIN Washington:** You're not on the Retrieval Team.

**Pvt. Donut:** is that a yes?

**AdMIN Washington:** You know what, I don't even know why you're asking me I'm not your boss.

**pilot grif:** no, carolina is.

**Key Tucker:** so Grif, you were alone with Simmons in a room right?

**pilot grif:** yeah, y

**Key Tucker:** did anything... steamy happen ;)

**pilot grif:** we were literally hiding and making as little noise as possible to save our lives

**Key Tucker:** quiet sex exists. its a thing

**pilot grif:** no. we did not fuck. nor will we ever

**Key Tucker:** haha for now

**pilot grif:** no

**Pvt. Donut:** Grif you're entering 'make-donut-cry' territory, don't fucking push me

**pilot grif:** you two combined are insufferable, im gonna go i dont have to take this

_ pilot grif is offline. _

**Key Tucker:** boo, pussy

**Pvt. Donut:** you denouncing women there Tucker?

**Key Tucker:** oh fuck off you know what I mean

**Pvt. Donut:** Tucker if you just rid your life of sin I think you could make a good case to get into heaven

**Key Tucker:** what do you mean  _ case _

**Pvt. Donut:** it'd be a hard sell but I think you can swing it

**Key Tucker:** I'll meet you in hell you pastry son of a bitch

**Pvt. Donut:** :(

**Key Tucker:** you instigated me first don't pretend to play victim

**Pvt. Donut:** damn, ok then. someone's going into my book

**Key Tucker:** which book

**Pvt. Donut:** that's for me to know and you to nervously look at me whenever I enter a room

**Key Tucker:** I- uhm ok, feeling the threat now, and for the good of my night I am definitely gonna log off to escape the pink demon

_ Key Tucker is offline. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't decide whether a burn book or death note reference would be funnier so I left it vague and made the reference the title. I don't know if people can tell but I'm having a lot of fun bouncing off of the dynamic between Tucker and Donut, haha!
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	11. Interlude: GRIFception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **grif-s15:** one last question. pineapple on pizza?
> 
> **pilot grif:** i dont really like pizza.
> 
> **grif-s15:** blocked blcokign how do i fuckign block you on this tihng

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place directly after Grif logged off of the DIME server. So he and Simmons haven't explored the new dimension properly yet!
> 
> All mistakes are intentional <3!

_ [The GRIFulation Server; 00:28]  _

_ #general _

**pilot grif:** and that's basically what happened

**grif-s15:** no way dude, you're trying to convince me you faced some sort of xenomorph and lived. im not that dumb

**pilot grif:** ur looking pretty dumb from over here bitch

**grif-s15:** whatever. lets play a game

**pilot grif:** checkers

**grif-s15:** no

**pilot grif:** pool?

**grif-s15:** stfu no we're going to play the Dimensional Duplicate game. its a game where we compare our dimensions

**pilot grif:** sounds stupid.

**grif-s15:** come on aren't you curious about what my dimension is like

**pilot grif:** considering that i already experienced it firsthand? no

**grif-s15:** ok fine let me rephrase, im really curious about  _ your _ dimension

**pilot grif:** my dimension is boring af. there's like one planet, mostly comprised of things dime or dime adjacent, and then prisons for dimensional criminals. that's it

**grif-s15:** straight up?

**pilot grif:** ye

**grif-s15:** boo, ur so fucking boring dude

**pilot grif:** hey u asked i answered

**grif-s15:** fuck off im still curious about the differences between us two

**pilot grif:** its as big as the grand canyon

**grif-s15:** wow you don't like cooperating at  _ all _

**pilot grif:** nope

**grif-s15:** im just gonna ask questions and hope you answer them <3 also maybe ask questions from simmons and maybe some of the others because they were skeptical at first when i told them about you two but after locus confirmed it now they're jealous af because they couldnt meet you guys

**pilot grif:** so i dodged a bullet? nice

**grif-s15:** ok first question. are you still a red?

**pilot grif:** residential enforcement division, yes

**grif-s15:** are other versions of ourselves reds?

**pilot grif:** idk, didn't think it was a thing outside of my dimension tbh. uhhh, grif-w19 had a world that was just copy and paste chorus and there was armor so like maybe he was

**grif-s15:** which grif was that?

**pilot grif:** buried alive

**grif-s15:** f

**pilot grif:** for all i know he could have been a blue.

**grif-s15:** if you ever meet a blue grif add them to this please im begging you i need to know what a version of me shaped by blue team problems acts like

**pilot grif:** i understood none of that but k

**grif-s15:** anyways next question i guess, but like, is kai also a dime dude? she's a blue in this dimension

**pilot grif:** no. i haven't seen kai in literal years

**grif-s15:** oh. so you enlisted too?

**pilot grif:** no. i just couldn't stand to be around her

**grif-s15:** like i know shes annoying and all but shes still kai dude

**pilot grif:** our histories are different, we didnt experience the same kai

**grif-s15:** was she really that bad?

**pilot grif:** no. at least other people didnt think so

**grif-s15:** oooookkkkkkkkk. moving on because i dont even wanna unpack that i guess my next question is like, so simmons is a cyborg still and ur face is fucked but the patches of metal v skin are different, how does that work

**pilot grif:** wdym? 

**grif-s15:** ok so like, i got run over by a tank and sarge made simmons a cyborg so that i could have his organs and shit. so our shit matches

**pilot grif:** i- what.

**grif-s15:** so you  _ weren't _ run over by a tank

**pilot grif:** no. how are you alive. if you were any other duplicate grif that would have killed you for sure

**grif-s15:** man i dont fucking know. but anyways answer the question

**pilot grif:** my skin is simply discolored. thats literally all thats to it

**grif-s15:** so, like- vitiligo?

**pilot grif:** idk. couldn't afford a doctor to confirm literally anything wrong with me

**grif-s15:** k but what about simmons?

**pilot grif:** he came like that

**grif-s15:** weird, anyways last question i guess for now. whats ur opinion on simmons

**pilot grif:** hes ok

**grif-s15:** dude, just ok?

**pilot grif:** i dont have any opinions on him. he exists and we work together

**grif-s15:** ok but like, you guys are friends right?

**pilot grif:** i guess

**grif-s15:** you don't just guess whether ur friends with someone or not

**pilot grif:** literally everyone is so obsessed with my opinion on simmons lmao

**grif-s15:** ok well i wouldnt say im obsessed with it just curious. cuase like my simmons and i are always glued at each others side. 

**pilot grif:** our circumstances are different

**grif-s15:** i mean yeah tru but this is more of a question of character or something

**pilot grif:** i dont really care for other people

**grif-s15:** yeah i can  _ tell _ tbh u act like u guys havent fucked not even once

**pilot grif:** and you have?

**grif-s15:** i-

**pilot grif:** not so fun when the gun is pointed at yourself now is it

**grif-s15:** technically the gun was pointed at grif either way

**pilot grif:** whatever, u done with the questioning or not

**grif-s15:** one last question. pineapple on pizza?

**pilot grif:** i dont really like pizza.

**grif-s15:** blocked blcokign how do i fuckign block you on this tihng

**pilot grif:** it's literally just food

**grif-s15:** _JUST_ food?? do you have shitty fucking pizza over there you know what dont answer that come here im literally on my way to get me n the guys some celebratory pizza rn and like i was gonna employ a new tactic to keep out of zany adventures but if it means educating a cross-dimensional version of myself about the holiness that is pizza then FUCK IT

**pilot grif:** thats quite the obsession you got there. good luck with all that, i gotta get back to work

**grif-s15:** ok fine. wait actually one last question i swear

**pilot grif:** what

**grif-s15:** r u gonna add more duplicates to this server? or even, r u gonna add ur simmons and maybe other simmons' that you meet here?

**pilot grif:** sure. it will b funny

**grif-s15:** is that ur main motivator for this

**pilot grif:** ye. ok bye bitch

_ pilot grif is offline. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a bunch of ideas for art to draw out for the GRIFulation server. Like, so many. I'm gonna get started on them asap because I want to share them wherever I can.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	12. Day to Day Jobs Suck Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **pilot grif:** i mean i guess yeah sure not dying is fun and all but like, where's the flavor
> 
> **Pvt. Donut:** last I checked not dying is the sexiest flavor of all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice and easy chill chapter for today! Even though the main fic had a bit of a blow up between Grif and Simmons, haha.
> 
> There are no mistakes in chat fics <3!

_[19:29]_

_#general_

**pilot grif:** man today has been so boring

**Key Tucker:** shouldn't that be a good thing

**pilot grif:** i mean i guess yeah sure not dying is fun and all but like, where's the flavor

**Pvt. Donut:** last I checked not dying is the sexiest flavor of all

**Key Tucker:** what dimension did you even end up in for you to be acting like such a little bitch

**pilot grif:** literally the most mundane and boring one possible

**Key Tucker:** was everyone an accountant

**pilot grif:** no. it was just like taken straight out of one of those stupid sitcoms. nice neighborhood, no drugs or crime or even a flasher

**Pvt. Donut:** sounds to me like you just got used to branching out to different territories because u literally just described a residential district and like, I'd hate to be the one to break it to you but uh-

**Key Tucker:** wait, have you been encroaching on BLUE territory this entire damn time??

**pilot grif:** huh ya know, i think so.

**Key Tucker:** BITCH

**pilot grif:** let's see, we definitely ended up in boroughs, and definitely an upland once. last thing we're missing is a lake and then we'll have RED domination

**Pvt. Donut:** brb texting Sarge so that he knows that REDs are winning

**Key Tucker:** winning??? winning WHAT?? all I see is a little bitch who likes stealing from the superior side to feel better about himself

**pilot grif:** oh yeah how come sarge hasn't been active as often? or caboose for that matter

**AdMIN Carolina:** Sarge is currently facing repercussions for attempting to create a robot

**pilot grif:** id say im surprised but im not- what type of 

**AdMIN Carolina:** According to him, a BLUE Destroying War Machine

**pilot grif:** huh, _@SEO-Sarge-10_ when ur not grounded name the robot Lopez

**AdMIN Carolina:** Please do not encourage his behavior.

**Key Tucker:** also Lopez?? what? lmao

**pilot grif:** idk, a dif version of myself all had this spanish robot or whatever. it would be funny i think to mimic that

**Key Tucker:** ok fair. Anyways, Caboose isn't on rn because they're making him do garage shifts now that you and fucktoy number 1 aren't around to cover them

**pilot grif:** well that explains that i guess.

**Medic DuFresne:** And I've been lurking for a while now!

**pilot grif:** oh. doc. where tf were you when i got shot, a simmons-null had to patch me up

**Key Tucker:** wait, you _want_ Doc to have treated you over a version of Simmons probably in a sexy nurses' outfit

**pilot grif:** you're right, doc would probably have amputated my leg entirely

**Medic DuFresne:** Not true! I would have applied massage oil around the wound to loosen up the muscles and sent you on your way with some lingonberry juice

**pilot grif:** the idea of you massaging my bullet wound and doing nothing to help actually eases the pain in my heart thanks doc

**Medic DuFresne:** Really?

**pilot grif:** no <3.

**Key Tucker:** yeesh so cold Griffy?

**pilot grif:** yeah, fucky

**Key Tucker:** ok literally wth because I just gave you a pet name and you just insulted me talk about being a rude manwhore :/

**pilot grif:** fucky _is_ a pet name. ur name in my contacts is Fucker. hence, fucky as a cute pet name

**Key Tucker:** I am not pleased with this reveal

**pilot grif:** no one ever is

**Pvt. Donut:** soooo where's Simmons now?

**pilot grif:** sulking

**Pvt. Donut:** ??

**pilot grif:** idk we had a bit of a bad day, it's fine though

**Key Tucker:** you sure?

**pilot grif:** yeah, of course, everything that needed to be aired out was and if it wasn't that's whatever. we'll know everything in due time

**Key Tucker:** well good because you guys don't need to be having a couples dispute in the middle of all this

**pilot grif:** k.

**Pvt. Donut:** idk if I should take that as an affirmation that they're really a couple u_u 

**pilot grif:** you shouldn't because it wasn't. anyways im heading out. no status report today because like i said. nothing even happened worth mentioning to you guys

_pilot grif is offline._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grif being super passive-aggressive and the other's just not picking that up is the main take away from this chapter. He didn't use it, but Grif essentially embodied the menacing interpretation of :).
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	13. If Two Guys Were on the Moon... Jk Jk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Key Tucker:** hey if two dudes were on the moon- except the moon was actually DIME Corps- and one killed the other with a rock- their fists actually- would that be fucked up or what?
> 
> **pilot grif:** hypothetically are you one of the dudes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's main fic chapter was really short as I was afraid I'd fall asleep and miss the deadline so I resolved to add a little more about that space universe in this chapter.
> 
> There are no mistakes in chat fics darlings <3!

_[23:33]_

_#general_

**pilot grif:** ok yall would not believe the absolute bullshit that simmons and i have just fucking endured

**Pvt. Donut:** oh tea?

**pilot grif:** we have literally been stuck outside of a fucking space station for hours because _apparently_ there's no fucking entrance to the fucking inside

**Key Tucker:** wait space station? how tf are you guys breathing

**pilot grif:** i picked up some of the oxygen masks

**AdMIN Carolina:** And didn't sign them out.

**pilot grif:** bit in a rush here, trying to track down criminals

**AdMIN Carolina:** Just sign them back in at the very least.

**pilot grif:** k

**Pvt. Donut:** how did you guys still not manage to track them down despite the fact that there were apparently no openings to the space station? sounds sus

**pilot grif:** shut the fuck up do you think we know? honestly I would not be surprised if like, they had some sort of cloaking technology with their new fancy fucking space proof suits because we followed the residue trail over and over and didn't even trip over anything

**Key Tucker:** so you guys just walked all around a space station in the middle of space?

**pilot grif:** yes, what part of literally everything that ive said did you not get

**Key Tucker:** bro it's just like that one game! with the italian coochieman plumber who goes off to space after getting cucked for the ten-thousandth time

**pilot grif:** w-

**Pvt. Donut:** permission to kill Tucker?

**AdMIN Washington:** Permission pending.

**Key Tucker:** oh come on guys you know what I'm talking about! fucking super mario galaxy

**pilot grif:** we understood perfectly what you garbled out

**Pvt. Donut:** tempted to hear you describe other video games, like please go ahead I wanna hear it

**pilot grif:** i would love to live in your shoes one day and just experience life at its fullest because you really don't give a single goddamn shit do you?

**Key Tucker:** no. also Donut fuck off

**Pvt. Donut:** I actually have a sex life so I don't need to, now you on the other hand

**Key Tucker:** hey if two dudes were on the moon- except the moon was actually DIME Corps- and one killed the other with a rock- their fists actually- would that be fucked up or what?

**pilot grif:** hypothetically are you one of the dudes?

**Key Tucker:** mayhaps

**pilot grif:** nah I don't think it'd be fucked up if donut ended your miserable life

**Key Tucker:** :/ might take a page out of Donut's book if y'all keep testing me like this

**Pvt. Donut:** sorry Tucker you don't really exhibit that kind of energy to be making threats like that

**Key Tucker:** yet

**Pvt. Donut:** oh, oh no hon, it's not a skill you can learn

**Key Tucker:** only bitchy two-faced mean girls call other people hon

**Pvt. Donut:** that's a really weird way to spell Donut but lol ok :)

**Key Tucker:** look he's not even trying to deny it

**pilot grif:** donut, can i be ur pity case. like ur nice to me in a condescending way

**Pvt. Donut:** oh but I couldn't do that to you you're my friend :(( and also a RED, I'm a loyal man Grif!

**pilot grif:** tucker can i be the weird quiet kid you bully? it'll be just like irl

**Key Tucker:** no thanks not falling into that trap, we all know what happens to jocks in those scenarios

**pilot grif:** who said you were a jock

**Pvt. Donut:** as if you'd be a jock

**Key Tucker:** wow! ok!

**pilot grif:** how'd we even get onto hs archetypes can we get back to the fact that I'm currently upside fucking down, sitting and drifting on a space station in space while texting you guys

**Key Tucker:** honestly that sounds like a vibe dude

**pilot grif:** come over here and try it out yourself. dont forget your oxygen mask or else something bad might happen to you

**Key Tucker:** mm threatening i like it

**pilot grif:** whatever. its almost time to move out over here. not gonna waste it sexting tucker

**Key Tucker:** when we sext it's never a waste

**pilot grif:** sure.

_pilot grif is offline._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter actually has a lot of jokes that are making my poor sleep-deprived brain laugh really hard so I hope you guys enjoy them too, although I wouldn't be surprised if they were like, completely incomprehensible. I suppose I shall find out in the morning.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	14. Dystopian Trading Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Pvt. Donut:** feel like we're entering yikes territory but... what crime grif
> 
> **pilot grif:** he had the brand of... being a little bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, my eyes are starting to get a little dry since I write these pretty late and I'm staring intently at my comp screen. But that's not gonna deter me in the slightest from making it through this month!
> 
> All mistakes are intentional <3!

_[12:59]_

_#general_

**pilot grif:** day whatever of the dystopian dimension and i have finally ran into a double

**Key Tucker:** WHO

**Pvt. Donut:** WHO?!

**pilot grif:** tucker it was you my buddy

**Key Tucker:** oh god, did I have one of those awful brand things you were talking about?

**pilot grif:** yes im so sorry but you did

**Pvt. Donut:** feel like we're entering yikes territory but... what crime grif

**pilot grif:** he had the brand of... being a little bitch

_Key Tucker is typing..._

**Pvt. Donut:** whacking the hornet's nest there, you know Tucker has been dying for you to run into a Null of him proper

**pilot grif:** tough shit, we havent encountered any duplicates yet which is somewhat relieving since im not ready to find out what crimes you guys get up to in your free time

**Pvt. Donut:** probably sexy crimes

**pilot grif:** hopefully not that no 

**Pvt. Donut:** shut up you know what I meant >:(

**Key Tucker:** Look, Dexter, I love you a lot. But sometimes you really push me to my limit, you know? And I feel as though if we simply talked things out in a healthy manner, we could resolve a lot of these problems, you know?

**pilot grif:** no i dont know

**Key Tucker:** you literally are asking for instant death when you come back

**pilot grif:** carolina will protect me

**AdMIN Washington:** No she won't.

**AdMIN Carolina:** No I won't.

**pilot grif:** oh ok. i see. it seems i have a seo co complaint form to fill out

**AdMIN Carolina:** You know that those forms go through me first and I have a special filing cabinet for things like that.

**AdMIN Washington:** She's talking about her paper shredder.

**pilot grif:** hm.

**Key Tucker:** that feels ominous

**pilot grif:** oh nothing tucker i am simply realizing belatedly that we work for a shitty branch

**Pvt. Donut:** dang Grif that's a really long belated realization

**pilot grif:** i think the lure of losing my mind prevented me from figuring it out sooner

**Key Tucker:** no lie Grif but I'm starting to think that you're an idiot

**Pvt. Donut:** starting?

**pilot grif:** hey donut what crawled up your ass and fucking died today

**Pvt. Donut:** a vibrator

**pilot grif:** no. goodbye.

**Key Tucker:** you can't escape that easily. tell me what combination of dystopian dynamics your dimension is based on

_Captain Simmons is online._

_Captain Simmons is typing..._

**Key Tucker:** fuck, hurry and give me a brief summary I don't wanna rely on the analysis that Simmons is likely writing me

**pilot grif:** you know, I've been trying to figure that out myself for the past few whatevers that we've been here. it's like, it has the foundation for big brother vibes but beyond cameras, there's nothing trying to manipulate the people. theyre all aware that everything fucking sucks. but they also stay in line. so not even a clockwork orange because theres no mental conditioning involved.

**Captain Simmons:** Oh. I was going to type up something of the same account.

**pilot grif:** i still havent figured out how the brandings keep people in fear. maybe because the process is a very public thing, so intimidation? brandings themselves are confusing too, with everyone having at least one its not even an ostracization thing

**Key Tucker:** I thought you said it was only a group of people with them?

**pilot grif:** so I thought but then I looked harder and a lot of the scars have dulled in color implying that these people have been in this shithole for a while. maybe third-generation suppression

**Pvt. Donut:** You're strangely knowledgeable about this, if I had known sooner we could have talked psychology!

**pilot grif:** no id rather choke on tuckers dick

**Key Tucker:** we can do that when you come back

**pilot grif:** no thanks.

**Key Tucker:** so hesitant smh, Grif I'm a lover not a fucker

**pilot grif:** my phone contact says otherwise

**Pvt. Donut:** so what are you guys even doing rn

**pilot grif:** resting. while we can

**Captain Simmons:** Trying to stay out of trouble and neutralizing those who attempt to arrest us

**pilot grif:** i even shot a child predator the other day when i spotted his brand

**Key Tucker:** don't you mean neutralize

**pilot grif:** no

**Pvt. Donut:** that's weirdly compassionate for you grif!

**pilot grif:** not really, i just felt like doing it plus it helped curve my desire to deck someone in the face that ive been having recently

**Key Tucker:** fear.

**pilot grif:** actually it's kinda late im gonna pass out now

**Key Tucker:** it's only one in the afternoon

**pilot grif:** no.

_pilot grif is offline._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place in the middle of the time that Grif and Simmons spent in that dimension, so the assassination hasn't happened yet!
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	15. Shape of Donut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Pvt. Donut:** Were there any mermen? Any sexy mermen? Any at all?
> 
> **Key Tucker:** I fucking KNEW that Donut was a monsterfucker, I just knew it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about how I was underutilizing Simmons in these so here's a whole chapter for him!
> 
> All mistakes are intentional <3!

_[23:45]_

_#general_

**Captain Simmons:** Um, so.

**Key Tucker:** oh this is new, usually, Grif's the first one of you two in the chat

**Captain Simmons:** Yeah, about that.

**Pvt. Donut:** oh no what happened?!!!!

**Key Tucker:** It better not be something I stupid I swear to god you fuckers keep giving me stress with this shit.

**Captain Simmons:** So. I'm not a Pilot by any means, and while I did _do_ my conditioning alongside Pilots I don't know anything about upkeep for them or like, fuck!

**Key Tucker:** Ok, first of all, you make it sound like he's a dog or something. Secondly, _@AdMIN-Washington-10_ uh, I think Simmons needs your assistance

**AdMIN Washington:** Simmons, what's wrong?

**Captain Simmons:** Just a hypothetical, what could possibly go wrong if, say, a Pilot kept constantly using their exoskeleton to portal around because he- I mean theY! They didn't have any other choice than to do it for survival.

**AdMIN Washington:** Simmons. Bring this over to #status-report.

_#status-report_

**Captain Simmons:** So, we pretty much walked right into a trap. To be fair, it was well laid.

**Key Tucker:** what kind of trap are we talking here?!??

**Captain Simmons:** The one time they let us see their residue trail and it was to lure us to this organization that kidnaps creatures and beings and experiments on them, maybe even sell them too since they referred to it as a catalog? I don't know all I know is she wanted to turn me into an arcade cabinet.

**Key Tucker:** Cabinet man is that you?

**Captain Simmons:** You joke but if it was you that was being threatened into becoming the second coming of Polybius you would have freaked out too.

**AdMIN Washington:** And then what happened, why did Grif need to constantly use his exoskeleton?

**Captain Simmons:** Ok, so then, like, the scientist said she wanted to rip open Grif's ribcage to see if there was a bird for his heart??? And Grif punched her in the face before getting us the fuck out of there, but he brought us back to the Ito Holes, and then there were wolves so we had to escape _those_ and basically we keep portaling around to avoid large and scary and deadly monsters trying to kill us!!

_AdMIN Washington is typing..._

**Key Tucker:** wait Ito Holes, do you mean...

**Captain Simmons:** Yes.

**Key Tucker:** And Grif...?

**Captain Simmons:** _Yes._

**Key Tucker:** what a fucking mad lad but also I would not touch a hole like that never in a million years no thank you, can't be too careful lest I stumble upon mine by accident

**AdMIN Washington:** Ok, so, this is obviously not ideal for a lot of reasons. Mainly because the exoskeleton can overheat like any other machine, but also, when using it a Pilot absorbs a very small percentage of dimensional energy themselves. When used conservatively it's negligible, but if used in quick succession it can turn out, hm, not so good.

**Captain Simmons:** What does that mean, what should I expect, what should I do???

**AdMIN Washington:** My best advice, and I know this goes against everything you guys are working towards, do not chase after the Asset's next dimension. Grif needs to flush the extra energy out of his system, so just do one last portal to keep up with them, and don't exert yourselves any further than that.

**Captain Simmons:** Done. I'm fine with that.

**Key Tucker:** never thought I'd see the day where Simmons is chill with being a lazy fuck

**Captain Simmons:** Have the time I've had and you'd want a break too.

**Pvt. Donut:** There's not gonna be any lasting effects from all this, right?

**AdMIN Washington:** There shouldn't be if he takes it easy going forward.

**Captain Simmons:** I'll look out for him.

**Key Tucker:** hey Simmons you should wear a sexy nurse costume when you take care of him in the next dimension

**Captain Simmons:** You already made that joke in regards to a Null come up with new material

**Key Tucker:** fuck.

**Pvt. Donut:** Pass along our well wishes to him. But also I had a question

**Captain Simmons:** Um, yeah, sure, what?

**Pvt. Donut:** Were there any mermen? Any sexy mermen? Any at all?

**Key Tucker:** I fucking KNEW that Donut was a monsterfucker, I just knew it

**Captain Simmons:** Yes, and they tried to rip my face off.

**Pvt. Donut:** That's not what I asked.

**Captain Simmons:** No. I do not think they were sexy. Therefore there were no sexy mermen.

**Pvt. Donut:** You win some you lose some Donut

**Captain Simmons:** Cool, I don't want to imagine Donut with any of the shit we've encountered so I'm just gonna go ahead and log off now.

_Captain Simmons is offline._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Donut would totally have watched H2O as a kid and desperately have wanted to be turned into a mermaid and no you can't change my mind about this.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	16. Color War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Pvt. Donut:** The World's Pinkest Pink and then Vantablack
> 
> **Key Tucker:** in words I can understand, what the fuck is that, just pink and black?
> 
> **Pvt. Donut:** Yes, but also no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little view to see what was going on with Simmons while Grif was asleep! I hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[09:34]_

_#general_

**Captain Simmons:** Wash, remind me to buy you something nice when we're back home

**Pvt. Caboose:** Good morning, Cinnamon!

**Captain Simmons:** Morning, Caboose.

**Key Tucker:** Woah, you're online really earlier, I'm guessing you followed Wash's advice to take a chill day?

**Pvt. Donut:** Yes, Simms get that r-n-r! 

**Captain Simmons:** Yeah, and honestly, there wasn't any other choice. Grif was literally dead on his feet, he almost collapsed after we got to this new dimension.

**Key Tucker:** Is this new dimension normal or is it also a hellscape and you guys are just hiding in a cave like a bunch of hermits

**Captain Simmons:** Normal, but quiet. We're held up in a theatre since it was closest and also the seats are nice

**Pvt. Donut:** ooooh theatre! Are you guys watching a show?

**Captain Simmons:** No, it's empty at the moment.

**Pvt. Donut:** Lame :(

**Captain Simmons:** Also, like, Grif is asleep at the moment right now

**Key Tucker:** he fell asleep at the date, typical of Grif smh

**Captain Simmons:** First, it's not a date. Second, he deserves the rest.

**AdMIN Washington:** Make sure he stays hydrated today, Simmons. It'll help reregulate his body.

**Captain Simmons:** Understood! Which reminds me, I should probably go get us something good to eat. Or, good by Grif's standards at least.

**Key Tucker:** Yoo you're gonna get fast food? Bro bring me some :(

**Captain Simmons:** No.

**Pvt. Donut:** F for you Tucker. Simmons what about me? Can you pick me up a salad?

**Captain Simmons:** No.

**Pvt. Donut:** What a selfish prick

**Key Tucker:** hey, that's what you get for trying to order something healthy at a fast-food chain

**Pvt. Donut:** Ten bucks says Simmons is going to order a "vegetarian" burger

**Captain Simmons:** Hop off my dick Donut.

**Pvt. Donut:** You owe me ten bucks

**Key Tucker:** No I don't I didn't agree to the bet before Simmons proved you right

**Pvt. Donut:** Dammit.

**Key Tucker:** But in all seriousness, really Simmons? You do realize that like, those things are absolute garbage

**Captain Simmons:** Isn't all fast food garbage?

**Key Tucker:** h-

**Pvt. Caboose:** Can you pick me up some chicken nuggets?

**Captain Simmons:** Sorry, Caboose but Grif needs to rest today and can't really portal to bring you them.

**Pvt. Caboose:** Oh, that's ok, thank you anyways

**Key Tucker:** How come you would have bought something for Caboose but not us

**Captain Simmons:** Because I actually like Caboose. I tolerate the rest of you

**Pvt. Donut:** I'd say 'even me' but I know you have a grudge against me because I tried gifting you some hand me down lingerie

**Key Tucker:** what colors?

**Pvt. Donut:** The World's Pinkest Pink and then Vantablack

**Key Tucker:** in words I can understand, what the fuck is that, just pink and black?

**Pvt. Donut:** Yes, but also no.

**Captain Simmons:** Donut, I refused on two accounts, the first being that I don't wear lingerie. The second being that the fact you had those two colors together almost sent me into a fit of rage.

**Key Tucker:** ugh I hate when the two of you talk about things you have in common it reminds me about how almost everyone on RED is a fucking nerd

**Pvt. Donut:** Tucker's just upset that we have brains bigger than his micropenis

**Key Tucker:** That's not as much of an achievement as you probably meant it to sound

**Captain Simmons:** Ok, Grif's really out of it, I'm gonna head out now. I hope he likes what I pick up, I never really order fast food.

**Key Tucker:** You literally can't fuck it up, it's cheap greasy garbo 

**Captain Simmons:** And yet, he likes it.

**Pvt. Donut:** most people do rich boy

**Captain Simmons:** Money is a social construct anyway.

**Pvt. Donut:** so says the one-percenter 

**Key Tucker:** that's right Simmons, better leave now before we bring out the guillotine

**Captain Simmons:** I hate all of you.

**Pvt. Donut:** Become my sugar daddy and maybe I won't put you on the chopping block

_Captain Simmons is offline._

**Pvt. Donut:** Coward! I'm literally right here, ready and waiting >:(

**Key Tucker:** obviously he wants to become Grif's sugar daddy, like have some tack Donut

**Pvt. Donut:** he can have more than one.

**Key Tucker:** not according to the way he left the chat so quickly

**Pvt. Donut:** blocked and reported. shouldn't you go back to work to pay off your crippling debt?

**Key Tucker:** wowww someone's testy, ok I'll leave now

**Pvt. Donut:** wait are you going to the cafeteria

**Key Tucker:** Yeah. people need to eat breakfast in the morning typically

**Pvt. Donut:** ok wait hold on I'll join you

**Key Tucker:** I thought I was blocked and reported.

**Pvt. Donut:** unblocked. shut up, I want a muffin body with me today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't question how Donut had managed to get his hands on some Vantablack lingerie, focus on the fact that he tried to get _Simmons_ to wear it instead.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	17. On... the Cosmic Powers?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **grif-s15:** i literally do not know how to describe it he was floating out of a lake and shit
> 
> **pilot grif:** craziest shit you've ever seen?
> 
> **grif-s15:** stfu. anyways, somehow we got time guns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the chat between DIME Grif and Grif-S15 that happened in the recent main fic chapter!
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server; 14:51]_

_#general_

**grif-s15:** oh my god im so glad I met you

_pilot grif is online._

**pilot grif:** i think that's the first time anyone has told me that. why

**grif-s15:** remember how i said that i was trying a new thing to avoid bullshit adventures

**pilot grif:** vaguely

**grif-s15:** ok so basically donut became idk, christ?

**pilot grif:** donut became... the son of god?

**grif-s15:** i literally do not know how to describe it he was floating out of a lake and shit

**pilot grif:** craziest shit you've ever seen?

**grif-s15:** stfu. anyways, somehow we got time guns

**pilot grif:** ok

**grif-s15:** i was about to ask why you weren't questioning time guns but then i remembered. portal powers.

**pilot grif:** they are not portal powers.

**grif-s15:** ok then if not that then what the fuck do you describe smoky yellow and green energy coming from underneath your clothes?

**pilot grif:** an std

**grif-s15:** ur so hilarious. well, then i got stuck in ancient italy with doc

**pilot grif:** the medic?

**grif-s15:** oh fuck you have him too

**pilot grif:** in your dimension is he still the mascot of malpractice?

**grif-s15:** aloe vera.

**pilot grif:** that's a yes. continue

**grif-s15:** that motherfucker betrayed me and stole my time gun though because his o'malley alter fronted like a fucking asshole

**pilot grif:** o- who?

**grif-s15:** oh does ur doc not have an o'malley personality?

**pilot grif:** no

**grif-s15:** i mean, i guess it makes sense since like, the personality developed because of the ai o'malley

**pilot grif:** the more i learn about ur dimension the more i hate it

**grif-s15:** getting back to my story, so then i met this really chill flashbulb like creature- her name is huggins, she's super chill- and we became friends as we traveled from italy to england where tucker and kai were

**pilot grif:** you walked that far during ancient times

**grif-s15:** yeah

**pilot grif:** and that took months right?

**grif-s15:** yeah but like it's time travel so it's not like it matters

**pilot grif:** only if you're shifting through time between dimensions. i'm willing to bet that when you got back to your original time it was however long ahead of when you left it

**grif-s15:** first, fuck off im not taking the bet because thats what happened, second how is that fair

**pilot grif:** dimensions work at different rates of time. for me, it has not been a year or a month like what you and your dimension experienced.

**grif-s15:** thats bullshit

**pilot grif:** why are you bitching to me as though i made the mechanics

**grif-s15:** because u exist outside of space and time so i can yell at you

**pilot grif:** well hurry up with your story im just talking to you because simmons is showering rn

**grif-s15:** why haven't u joined him lol

**pilot grif:** you can't see it but im rolling my eyes

**grif-s15:** so after meeting up with those two idiots, we met with these guys called the cosmic powers and they were in charge of space and time or whatever. they gave me a energy sword which was so bitching

**pilot grif:** what are cosmic powers

**grif-s15:** i was literally just going to ask if you knew what they were

**pilot grif:** i have never heard of them before now

**grif-s15:** i asked them if they knew what a dime officer was and they had no clue, which was hilarious because it turned out that they were ai's in the end

**pilot grif:** why does literally everything go back to ai's for your dimension

**grif-s15:** oh man dude you don't even know the half of it

**pilot grif:** when simmons comes out of the shower i'm gonna ask him about those cosmic dudes, lowkey they sound like the only thing that could have been the dimes boss

**grif-s15:** well they were pretty much useless and powerless in the end because we caused a paradox

**pilot grif:** dumbasses

**grif-s15:** to be fair, not me because I tried to stop them <3

**pilot grif:** im assuming since youre still around that you guys managed to fix it 

**grif-s15:** yeah but talk about a pain in my ass. sure we fixed it but everything set back to just before donut got hit with the magic time light

**pilot grif:** he took temporal energy... directly

**grif-s15:** yeah

**pilot grif:** ur so lucky that he didn't like, fucking die

**grif-s15:** well i mean he got pissed at us and left

**pilot grif:** still. u do realize that the yellow-green that makes portals is dimensional energy? i have to channel it through a support item called an exoskeleton or else i would die. and even then like, i still feel like shit because some of it is lingering in my system

**grif-s15:** guess we're just built different

**pilot grif:** ur lot is built by idiots

**grif-s15:** goddamn so mean

**pilot grif:** this was all very interesting but that doesnt explain y u were glad to have met me?

**grif-s15:** oh, well i was glad because that i wasn't shocked as much by all the time shit, and the guys werent either because i told them about you

**pilot grif:** thats fair

**grif-s15:** anyways what's up with you

**pilot grif:** i watched a pregnant lady get shot by some dude named mark

**grif-s15:** wtf

**pilot grif:** idk, from like a balcony. idek what it was all about, some girl name georgina pissed off mark

**grif-s15:** ok why does that name seem familiar to me

**pilot grif:** oh so you know that null?

**grif-s15:** give me like one minute to figure it out

**pilot grif:** k

**grif-s15:** oh wait yeah ok so this reporter dylan andrews explained it to us like not too long ago but temple's friend who died had a girlfriend and she was pregnant or something. said her name was georgina

**pilot grif:** you're fucking shitting me

**grif-s15:** what why

**pilot grif:** that motherfucker broke the restraining order violation i was well within my rights to shoot him

**grif-s15:** lmao

**pilot grif:** great, now i wished i had intervened and neutralized him. that bastard deserves it

**grif-s15:** fuck, i gtg the guys are giving me looks for being on this thing

**pilot grif:** yeah, simmons is exiting the shower now actually. i'll let you know what he says about the cosmic powers. maybe

_grif-s15 is offline._

_pilot grif is offline._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grif-S15 explaining to Grif-10 the events of season 16 and 17 had me laughing for hours when I planned it for today's update because canon rvb is literally so zany that the dude who goes to different dimensions for a living is like, "...huh?!"
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	18. Got a Bad Feeling About This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Key Tucker:** wash @ us: idiots! idiots! idiots! carolina @ you guys: hey, it's ok, it's ok calm down, you're fine, you've got this
> 
> **Pvt. Donut:** I mean, it's more like: carolina @ us: what are you? / us: an idiot sandwich

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile, in the DIME Server...
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3

_[15:37]_

_#general_

**Key Tucker:** you ever get the feeling that something really bad is gonna happen?

**Pvt. Donut:** no.

**Key Tucker:** ok damn fine, have a good day

**Pvt. Donut:** ok but seriously what do you mean

**Key Tucker:** idk, something feels off about today. can't figure out what though

**Pvt. Donut:** maybe ur energy is all out of wack, come over to my room I have crystals to help you

**Key Tucker:** if it's not smelling salts then I don't want it

**Pvt. Donut:** I have one- one!- lavender candle

**Key Tucker:** I don't speak Donut dialect

**Pvt. Donut:** it'll make you calm

**Key Tucker:** mm, yeah ok sure

**AdMIN Washington:** Tucker, have you been taking care of yourself lately? I've noticed you've been a bit more high strung.

**Key Tucker:** lmao yeah I wonder y

**AdMIN Washington:** If you were having issues I could have rearranged your schedule of duties to be easier for you.

**Key Tucker:** wait seriously?!

**AdMIN Washington:** Yes. Occasionally, I can be reasonable.

**Key Tucker:** You made me work when I had a fever

**AdMIN Washington:** You could stand up, couldn't you?

**Pvt. Donut:** one time I was sick and carolina brought me medicine and broth

**Key Tucker:** wash @ us: idiots! idiots! idiots! carolina @ you guys: hey, it's ok, it's ok calm down, you're fine, you've got this

**Pvt. Donut:** I mean, it's more like: carolina @ us: what are you? / us: an idiot sandwich

**AdMIN Carolina:** Can confirm.

**Key Tucker:** then why did you bring Donut medicine and broth

**AdMIN Carolina:** Because I'm not so careless as to let my boys get defeated by something as minuscule as illness.

**Key Tucker:** ah. it's a competitive thing

**AdMIN Carolina:** In not so many words.

**Pvt. Donut:** yo wait, Tucker, maybe that feeling you had earlier is because you're sick

**Key Tucker:** I don't feel sick though. well, not traditional sick

**Pvt. Donut:** what other types of sick is there then

**Key Tucker:** like, a gut instinct I guess idk

**Medic DuFresne:** If you need your guts rearranged just come down to the Medical Wing!

**Key Tucker:** is- is doc coming onto me rn, are yall seeing this???

**Pvt. Donut:** cuming*

**Key Tucker:** my inner Tucker says yes, but my physical Tucker is saying shut the fuck up.

**Medic DuFresne:** Also, a friendly reminder! All SEO's are due for a check-up soon just to make sure everything is in tip-top shape!

**Key Tucker:** what type of annual checkup?

**Medic DuFresne:** The usual type, just going over eyesight, hearing, blood pressure, weight, etc. It's just a yearly physical.

**Key Tucker:** oh, ok. wait are we going to get any shots?

**AdMIN Washington:** Tucker you got your permanent immunizations during the conditioning process, you don't need to get them again.

**Key Tucker:** wait if I get the flu though?

**AdMIN Washington:** You won't.

**Key Tucker:** I'm gonna screenshot this for when I inevitably get it and go on bed rest for a couple of days.

**Medic DuFresne:** Oh! Almost forgot, the Board of Directors sent out a message to all DIME medics to check on the status of your guys' pins. Shouldn't take more than a minute during the check-up.

**Key Tucker:** bet

**Pvt. Donut:** Hopefully Grif and Simmons will be back for their check-up, I know Simmons will get really anal about having missed it when everyone else had theirs

**Medic DuFresne:** Yeah, those two are definitely in for an extensive check-up. Probably more so Grif than Simmons, since he's been using his exoskeleton so often.

**AdMIN Carolina:** I'll be sure to remind them!

**Medic DuFresne:** Great!

**Key Tucker:** feel like shit, just want my boys back

**Pvt. Donut:** Hopefully they'll be back real soon!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, yeah, things are starting to get fun with this AU.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	19. PM: Key Tucker & AdMIN Washington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **AdMIN Washington**  
>  Then what's the problem?
> 
> **Key Tucker**  
>  beyond thinking that doc was  
> gonna rail me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another set of private messages to follow up more on the pin check-ups! 
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[18:18]_

**Key Tucker**  
yo wash

**AdMIN Washington**  
Yes, Tucker?

**Key Tucker**  
you'd be real with me  
right?

**AdMIN Washington**  
To the best of my  
abilities. Why?

**Key Tucker**  
What was up  
with that spontaneous  
check-up

**AdMIN Washington**  
I really wish I knew.

**Key Tucker**  
Not even you know???

**AdMIN Washington**  
No. 

**Key Tucker**  
sus

**AdMIN Washington**  
Listen, I'm not in charge  
of these types of things.  
You already went in for  
your check-up right?

**Key Tucker**  
yeah I mean I guess

**AdMIN Washington**  
Then what's the problem?

**Key Tucker**  
beyond thinking that doc was  
gonna rail me?

**AdMIN Washington**  
Tucker.

**Key Tucker**  
idk. nothing was off but  
it didn't sit right

**AdMIN Washington**  
I don't know why you'd  
feel that way. It wasn't  
an intensive check-up.

**Key Tucker**  
I don't like when Doc is  
near my body

**AdMIN Washington**  
Great! That means your  
mental health check-up  
shows you're still sane

**Key Tucker**  
his hands are so cold

**AdMIN Washington**  
He wears medical gloves.

**Key Tucker**  
yeah  
that's how cold his hands are

**AdMIN Washington**  
In any case. Is there really  
a problem?

**Key Tucker**  
mmmm. no, I don't think so

**AdMIN Washington**  
You can tell me if you still  
think something's wrong.

**Key Tucker**  
ok yeah but like, I don't  
even know if anything is  
wrong or not.

**AdMIN Washington**  
It's always good to trust your  
gut. But not if it's ruining your  
piece of mind.

**Key Tucker**  
mmmm yeah k

**AdMIN Washington**  
You don't believe me.

**Key Tucker**  
No, it's not that it's just ughh.  
Hate feeling like this.  
Do you know if Grif and Simms  
are gonna come back soon  
I'm bored and miss themm

**AdMIN Washington**  
...

**Key Tucker**  
Whta.

**AdMIN Washington**  
I shouldn't tell you this, but  
we lost the signal on their pins  
for a good hour

**Key Tucker**  
WHAT

**AdMIN Washington**  
We're not sure why it happened.  
Wouldn't be surprised if that's  
why they decided to have  
a pin check-up.  
If they knew that the models  
were outdated and starting to  
glitch.

**Key Tucker**  
Ok yeah, that makes sense.  
You literally had me worried  
for them, damn it Wash

**AdMIN Washington**  
Yeah, that was bad on my part.

**Key Tucker**  
ok well, knowing that kinda  
eases the weird feeling I had  
earlier.  
now I'm not bothered by that  
I'm bothered in a different way

**AdMIN Washington**  
Ok, yeah that's where I leave.

**Key Tucker**  
No, Wash you can't go!  
Saturdays are for the boys!!  
We gotta crack open a cold one

**AdMIN Washington**  
It's not Saturday.

**Key Tucker**  
ok and? we can still crack open  
a cold one.  
if Doc's the one handing them out  
then they'll be really cold

**AdMIN Washington**  
Firstly, no drinking on the job.  
Second, please for the love of god  
stop focusing on Doc's hands

**Key Tucker**  
If Doc touched you, in places  
that were never meant to be touched  
by Doc. You too would focus on  
the cold, unloving, clinical feeling  
of his hands.

**AdMIN Washington**  
I literally can't with you. It's a _good_  
thing that Doc was: unloving and clinical  
with you. That means he was professional

**Key Tucker**  
Yeah whatever let's just say I wouldn't fuck  
him.  
Unlike Donut who would  
HA

**AdMIN Washington**  
Wow. So glad that we cleared that up.  
Good bye now.

**Key Tucker**  
Coward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow even in the DIME AU Tucker exerts protagonist energy, look at him go, helping the plot move along.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	20. Two Grifs, One Simmons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **grif-s15:** what type of therapy are you going for
> 
> **halfie:** CBT
> 
> **grif-s15:** c- cock and ball torture??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think towards the end of this event I'm going to be making an index explaining what all of the dimensional designations mean because they do actually stand for stuff.
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server; 18:31]_

_#general_

_pilot grif has added grif-u15._

_grif-s15 is online._

**grif-s15:** oh shit, another grif?? hell yeah

_pilot grif has added Simmons-M17._

**grif-s15:** woah wait we can add simmons' too??

_pilot grif has made grif-u15 owner._

**grif-s15:** wait waht

_grif-u15 has removed pilot grif._

**grif-u15:** sup

**grif-s15:** who the hell are you

**grif-u15:** ugh, wait didn't think this through we're both 15s. also im still pilot grif but ill explain in a sec

**grif-s15:** bet

**Simmons-M17:** When I said that we would keep in contact, I did not mean in your pet project server Grif. This thing is probably bugged.

**halfie:** put ur little virus thing in this then goddamn

**Simmons-M17:** Fine.

**grif-s15:** hi yes still confused, why'd you change ur name to grif-u15 i thought u were grif-10

**halfie:** ok so basically we're abandoning dime <3

**grif-s15:** wait seriously, y?

**halfie:** they fucked with our memories. well mainly mine since simmons is special and had a program to block it

**grif-s15:** yeah that sounds about right. i could just tell because of the freelancer symbols on ur guys suits that dime or whatever was unethical as hell

**halfie:** freelancer?

**grif-s15:** ye. in my dimension they made the simulation trooper program that made us reds and blues cannon fodder

**halfie:** wait simulation trooper?

**grif-s15:** yeah, the sims

**Simmons-M17:** _Holy shit._ SIM Enforcement Officer. SIM Trooper.

**halfie:** lmaooooo. see if i had talked more in this sever then maybe we would have figured this out

**Simmons-M17:** I'm going to _scream._

**grif-s15:** so now that u guys are total mavericks (nice btw) what are you planning on doing

**halfie:** going back to our original dimensions for the time being.

**Simmons-M17:** Grif will be going to therapy.

**halfie:** right, that. yo other me, got any recommendations?

**grif-s15:** what type of therapy are you going for

**halfie:** CBT

**grif-s15:** c- cock and ball torture??

**Simmons-M17:** Jesus fucking Christ.

**halfie:** no u idiot, cognitive behavioral therapy

**grif-s15:** oh ok

**halfie:** i would say i want to kill you for even suggesting that but thats kinda why im going to therapy so-

**grif-s15:** uuuuh ok so for your brand of crazy? you should probably go and find a double of a woman named emily grey

**halfie:** i don't recognize the name

**grif-s15:** she's scary. psychoanalyzed my mommy issues in a second of meeting me

**halfie:** sounds perfect, i'll scope her out

**grif-s15:** if u want u can even come back here to meet with her since that'd be easy

**halfie:** can't. need to soak up my dimensions residue for awhile

**grif-s15:** hate that phrasing, it makes me feel the same way that the word moist makes me feel

**halfie:** why would a word make you feel a certain way

**Simmons-M17:** No, no he has a point there. There had to have been a better word for it than residue.

**halfie:** like what

**Simmons-M17:** I don't know. Maybe, uh, imprint?

**halfie:** fuck you that sounds better and now im mad

**grif-s15:** f

**halfie:** shut up

**grif-s15:** wait fuck now i want to change my name on here too, these letter number shit is boring af

**halfie:** some of us like them but go off i guess

**Simmons-M17:** It helps with identification purposes!

**gold captain:** ok i will settle with this for now.

**halfie:** waht does that even mean

**gold captain:** im the captain of gold team

**halfie:** wack. imagine being a captain, this post was made by the pilots gang

**gold captain:** says the person without a nickname holding the word pilot

**halfie:** fuck you, halfie is a term specifically made for pilots it still counts

**gold captain:** keep telling urself that <3

**Simmons-M17:** I can already tell that this is going to be an insufferable experience.

**gold captain:** ye

**halfie:** ye

**Simmons-M17:** Great.

_(#awol-gang)_

**halfie:** locked chat for just me and u

**Simmons-M17:** Why can't we just private message?

**halfie:** too boring. more fun this way

**Simmons-M17:** If you say so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going forward I'll put little index reminders in the beginning author's note about who the nicknames belong to. I'll do my best to make sure that any confusion is avoided!
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	21. Where Did the Snow Come From, Where Did it Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **gold captain:** how did you become a cyborg
> 
> **Simmons-M17:** My father experimented on me.
> 
> **gold captain:** oh. yeah, my simmons has daddy issues too. he punches mirrors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this one came out hours after the main fic, whoops! Had a bit of a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do for this chapter.
> 
> halfie: DIME Grif  
> gold captain: Grif-S15 aka Canon Grif
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server, 13:54]_

_#general_

**gold captain:** and so we made snowmen to hide in them

**Simmons-M17:** How would that even be possible, where did you get the snow from?

**gold captain:** well fed base had snow because it was like in the mountains or some shit

**Simmons-M17:** You said you did it at that gas station or whatever too though.

**gold captain:** correct

**Simmons-M17:** So I repeat. Where'd you get the snow from?

_gold captain is typing..._

_halfie is online._

**halfie:** no.

_halfie is offline._

**gold captain:** _@halfie_ get ur ass back here

_halfie is online._

**halfie:** i literally came on here to escape from this winter deadland don't fucking bring up that white crap istg

**gold captain:** lmao someone can't handle a little snow

**halfie:** wrong. im used to snow, but just because i can handle it doesn't mean i should

**gold captain:** i dont see why ur complaining. snow is fun

**halfie:** u say that but let it make ur commute miserable and then ud know true pain

**gold captain:** commute where

**halfie:** new york

**gold captain:** wow wait ny? ok lmao that makes idk y i thought ud still be in honolulu

**halfie:** i didn't grow up in hawai'i

**gold captain:** waht really? damn that's crazy, but normal i guess because of the multiverse

**halfie:** anyways lets not talk about snow. me and my homies all hate snow

**gold captain:** i like snow

**halfie:** ur not my homie

**gold captain:** simmons do you like snow?

**Simmons-M17:** I mean, white Christmas' are nice.

**halfie:** simmons is also not my homie

**gold captain:** damn bitch then who _is_ your homie

**halfie:** uh, idk god.

**gold captain:** bet

**Simmons-M17:** S15 was just telling me about some of the shit he went through in his dimension

**halfie:** oh right. u had the whole tank thing

**Simmons-M17:** What, tank?

**gold captain:** yeah, where my simmons gave me his organs and then sarge turned him into a robot

**Simmons-M17:** I- what???

**halfie:** same dude

**Simmons-M17:** Why didn't Sarge just make you the cyborg??

**gold captain:** that's what i've been saying!!

**halfie:** yeah so thats how his simmons became a cyborg

**gold captain:** how did you become a cyborg

**Simmons-M17:** My father experimented on me.

**gold captain:** oh. yeah, my simmons has daddy issues too. he punches mirrors

**Simmons-M17:** Well, technically in all fairness I was in a car crash first. _Then_ my father experimented on.

**gold captain:** wow, you both really got the worst of it

**halfie:** ur organs do not belong to you

**gold captain:** rude. i like to think of these as my organs esp considering that the liver is definitely not how simmons gave it to me in the first place <3

**Simmons-M17:** It's not even my liver but I'm offended.

**gold captain:** wait till you find out what i did to his lungs

**halfie:** u smoke?

**gold captain:** u don't?

**halfie:** well, i mean, i do but not that often

**gold captain:** damn, you got all the good shit, no nicotine addiction

**halfie:** you listed one thing

**gold captain:** yeah i thought there'd be more but then i couldnt think of anything else, f

**halfie:** i hate you

**gold captain:** no u dont because if you hate me then you hate yourself

**halfie:** hold on im gonna pm u because simmons is here

**Simmons-M17:** If you can't say it in front of me then you shouldn't be saying it at all.

**gold captain:** simmons he's been self-deprecating in my pms

**halfie:** fucking snitch

**Simmons-M17:** God it's like taking care of two toddlers who know how to get in the liquor cabinet.

**halfie:** ooh simmons thats a good idea, alcohol will warm me up from the cold

**Simmons-M17:** WaIT NO-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A mostly light-hearted chapter for you guys! I hope you all liked it!
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)


	22. PM: Key Tucker & pilot grif, Captain Simmons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Key Tucker**  
>  come on dude you've  
> been offline for like  
> ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had this idea but not sure if I ended liking the final results. I don't know, I hope you guys like it nonetheless.
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3.

_[Key Tucker >> pilot grif, 21:19]_

**Key Tucker**  
hey

_[23:34]_

**Key Tucker**  
come on dude you've  
been offline for like  
ever

_[00:12]_

**Key Tucker**  
it's not funny. seriously  
it's been a month

_[08:54]_

**Key Tucker**  
ur not even reading these  
messages u fucker.  
come on.  
seriously dude where r  
you????  
wash says ur pin is gone  
but they've been scoping  
all the dimensions that the  
assets have been to and they  
haven't found your body.

_[09:03]_

**Key Tucker**  
there's no way ur dead dude  
I refuse to believe it  
because like, that would  
make both RED and BLUE  
even and that just takes  
away the challenge of beating  
you guys.

_[09:09]_

**Key Tucker**  
seriously. they would have  
deactivated this account if  
they knew you were dead  
for realsies so if ur just  
hiding or some shit u  
can tell me u know I'm  
not a narc  
wait maybe don't do that  
since they can read all  
these messages anyway

_[10:13]_

**Key Tucker**  
so like. did you run away?  
like how else am I supposed  
to interpret this silence from you.  
I thought we were bros?  
You could have told me if something  
was up or wrong or whatever

_[12:19]_

**Key Tucker**  
you better not be dead.

_[Key Tucker >> Captain Simmons, 12:23]_

**Key Tucker**  
yo

_[12:43]_

**Key Tucker**  
oh come on don't tell  
me that ur ignoring me  
too.  
I thought you were above  
that shit Simmons.  
I'm gonna leave a bunch of  
spam messages because  
I know seeing the high message  
box number freaks you out.  
come on.  
dude.  
Don't be Grif, answer my  
messages.

_[12:55]_

**Key Tucker**  
uh oh carolina is gonna get  
involved now that probably  
means that ur gonna get a write up.  
bet you don't want that Simmons.  
If you want to avoid that you  
should respond so we know  
that you guys are alive or whatever.  
Not that I particularly care

_[13:28]_

**Key Tucker**  
ok this shit is starting to piss me  
off.  
you and Grif better have been  
banging for a month STRAIGHT  
otherwise I might just blow a fuse  
so it better have been that you were  
blowing each other, got it?

_[13:34]_

**Key Tucker**  
I cannot genuinely think of any other  
reason why you guys would go off  
the grid like that.  
unless the assets were like threatening  
you.  
are they?  
are you guys their hostages and no one  
knows yet?  
send a message if you can if it's true.  
or wait maybe they're reading all of these  
right now.  
fuck you felix and locus you guys don't even  
deserve ur letters  
hopefully that doesn't make them made and kill you.

**Key Tucker**  
not that I would care since that would mean  
two less REDs to deal with  
us BLUEs haven't had any death scares yet  
whereas you guys are always managing to  
live even when god tries to vibe check you

_[Key Tucker >> pilot grif & Captain Simmons, 16:41]_

**Key Tucker**  
guys. come on.  
I'm worried about you guys.

_[18:32]_

**Key Tucker**  
whatever ur doing or hiding from  
be safe.  
ok?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tucker definitely carried the DIME aspect of these chat logs so I felt it fitting to tie up him as well. This final arc is all about loose ends it seems.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me, you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	23. Holy Shit It's THE Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **gold captain:** do you ever wonder why we're here
> 
> **Simmons-M17:** What does that even mean?
> 
> **halfie:** all the time yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So glad to get back to these idiots, I love doing server logs over pms.
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server, 05:34]_

_#general_

**halfie:** fuck alaska

_gold captain is online._

**gold captain:** context???

**Simmons-M17:** For the last time- that wasn't Alaska!

**halfie:** k

**gold captain:** why do you have a hate boner for alaska all of a sudden

**halfie:** hey. ur a grif right

**gold captain:** no, i'm a disappointment

**halfie:** why'd u contradict urself. anyways, u like sleeping, don't you? taking naps?

**gold captain:** i'd marry sleep if i could

**halfie:** we just got out of a dimension where sleep doesn't exist

**gold captain:** burn it down

**halfie:** and it makes u exhausted as hell too

**gold captain:** destroy it. burn it with fire.

**halfie:** lol

**gold captain:** see this is why i know for a fact that god doesn't exist because why would he allow that to happen

**halfie:** i thought u met space-time gods

**gold captain:** they were ai's. also i'm agnostic so fuck that noise

**halfie:** huh, didn't even think to question it

**gold captain:** aren't u agnostic?

**halfie:** deist. 

**gold captain:** ok like there's a difference?

**Simmons-M17:** Of course there's a difference.

**gold captain:** oh fuck that reminds me i have a very important question to ask u guys

**halfie:** what

**gold captain:** do you ever wonder why we're here

**Simmons-M17:** What does that even mean?

**halfie:** all the time yes

**Simmons-M17:** Like, _here-here?_ In this group chat? Or like, an existential _here?_

**halfie:** sometimes i close my eyes and think, 'wow, i exist and can be perceived. how do i uninstall?'

**Simmons-M17:** I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it's all subjective. A go-to answer would be that we are here because we make up and curate our own human experiences, so being 'here' is being present in the Kairos.

**gold captain:** thanks. now i won't be able to sleep tonight because of the existential dread

**Simmons-M17:** ...

**gold captain:** wait shit

**halfie:** not funny. didn't laugh

**gold captain:** i forgot u guys were in the special circle of hell designed for me and every other person who likes to sleep in the world

**halfie:** oh my god ur so funny, well i'm about to act hilarious

**gold captain:** what can u even do ur not in my dimension

**Simmons-M17:** Don't tempt us.

**gold captain:** us?? us?!? i pissed u off too?

**Simmons-M17:** You don't even wanna begin to know that very long and stressful week I've just had. I can and will kill a man with my bare hands if y'all continue to test me.

**gold captain:** y'all

**Simmons-M17:** _@halfie_ How long till we got to S15 to beat the shit out of yourself.

**halfie:** give me a nap and a half and i'll be good to go

**gold captain:** im in danger...

**halfie:** damn right u are <3

**gold captain:** what if- just an idea- u didn't do that <3

**halfie:** literally what is in it for me

**gold captain:** u don't become a murderer

**halfie:** i have no problems with that. do u know how many people ive shot? a killing blow will make no difference to me

**gold captain:** new reason: i'll get the freelancers to protect me :(((

**halfie:** hm. simmons, we would not do well against any version of carolina or wash

**Simmons-M17:** Fucking fine. You got luck S15.

**gold captain:** yeah i can tell. damn you guys are intense af

**halfie:** it's because we're badasses and ur not

**gold captain:** inferior grif says what

**halfie:** what are u, five? grow up

**gold captain:** read the first word to that text :)

**halfie:** ... fuck it, i bet carolina and wash would go down against a blast from a neutralizer

**gold captain:** no waIT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cracked myself up writing this chapter so I hope you guys all like it too.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	24. When It's Just One Dude Times Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **gold captain:** fuck not like, a weird name but like, Tony! or Wade
> 
> **halfie:** oh, oh so, so long as the kin is from a shitty comic book it's fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am literally so excited to share this chapter, I have been waiting to add another Grif for so long.
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server; 15:23]_

_#general_

**gold captain:** im just saying, out of all the names in the world, why would you go with darius

**halfie:** fuck off i already am over the name, if ur just gonna bitch then shut up

**gold captain:** pick a better name

**halfie:** that's what I'm _trying_ to do

**gold captain:** go with a fictional character's name

**halfie:** are- are you telling me to KIN

**gold captain:** it's not weird.

**halfie:** w ha t

**gold captain:** fuck not like, a weird name but like, Tony! or Wade

**halfie:** oh, oh so, so long as the kin is from a shitty comic book it's fine. 

**gold captain:** it's not weird if it's from a comic book or like an actor

**halfie:** u r just a fucking pussy. don't tempt me i'll take on an anime name to piss you off. also those names are basic

**gold captain:** u'd lose in that situation more than me

**halfie:** _@Simmons-M17_ kin assign me.

**Simmons-M17:** No.

**halfie:** why not

**Simmons-M17:** I'm not Donut.

**gold captain:** give me a minute i'll send a message to my donut to see what he'd assign me. if he responds because like, he left to go on a self discovery journey or some shit

**halfie:** it's donut. he'll respond to a question like that

_grif-c83 joined the server._

**grif-c83:** what. the. fuck. is this

**gold captain:** omg omg omg

**halfie:** i wondered how long it would take you to find the setup and link

**grif-c83:** how are any of you

**Simmons-M17:** Wait, Grif, what the fuck did you do?

**halfie:** lol

**grif-c83:** wait a minute, the alt.dimen me and simmons?

**halfie:** that would be us

**grif-c83:** uhhh ok don't understand the name but whatever. simmons' is self-explanatory. who the fuck is _@gold captain_

**gold captain:** im you

**grif-c83:** what.

**gold captain:** sorry sorry. im _also_ you.

**grif-c83:** ... _@halfie_ so u just collect us like pokemon badges orrr???

**halfie:** oh my god. ash

**grif-c83:** h u h 

**gold captain:** no.

**halfie:** yes.

**gold captain:** no u r not naming urself after the fucking kid who won't evolve his pikachu or even win a fucking league 

**halfie:** ash grif. it works because part of my face is a different color. like ash

**gold captain:** literally shut the fuck up just go with steve

**halfie:** no. why would i want to be named after minecraft

**gold captain:** ROGERS

**halfie:** dude what r u b1 battle droid?

**gold captain:** literally at my fucking limit i hate it here

**grif-c83:** this is all incomprehensible

**gold captain:** ok well, as you can probably tell by ur multiverse assigned name, ur grif-c83. i'm grif-s15. and the asshole you met is grif-u15, originally grif-10 but then they went total maverick on the place they worked at, and now they're on the run. so u15 is tryna make an alias

**grif-c83:** why can't you keep ur original name. there are tons of dexters

**halfie:** that lacks _flavor_

**grif-c83:** right. cool, im apparently a maniac in other dimensions

**gold captain:** oh you have no idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some art planned for when another Grif arrived, but I didn't have time so I left out the joke for another day when I can add the art.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me, you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	25. What Do You Do With A Bastard Grif

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **halfie:** cap'n, first mate grif is not above a mutiny
> 
> **Simmons-M17:** I'm- well, ok I am your Captain but you're sure as hell not my first mate.
> 
> **halfie:** arrr 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is out late because I had so much to get to today. Whoops! But this weekend was very busy for me but I'm pretty much free going forward, so there shouldn't be any problems!
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server, 15:28]_

_#general_

**halfie:** arrr mateys

_gold captain is online._

_grif-c83 is online._

**gold captain:** no <3.

**grif-c83:** what the fuck was that

**halfie:** you land lovers just ain't me pirate crew

**gold captain:** _@Simmons-M17_ explain

**Simmons-M17:** We just came from a dimension taking place in the Eighteenth-Century. Also, we may or may not have met pirates. The jury's still out on that one though.

**halfie:** they gave me a gun. they're pirates

**Simmons-M17:** Why are you acting like sailors can't have guns?

**halfie:** cap'n, first mate grif is not above a mutiny

**Simmons-M17:** I'm- well, ok I am your Captain but you're sure as hell not my first mate.

**halfie:** arrr </3

**gold captain:** so you met pirates

**halfie:** ye

**grif-c83:** sing any shanties?

**halfie:** of course we did. who do you take me for?

**gold captain:** a simmons. singing shanties has a simmons vibe to it

**halfie:** he was too busy trying not to puke try again

**gold captain:** lmao really?

**Simmons-M17:** No.

**grif-c83:** defensive much?

**Simmons-M17:** I don't take shit from a Grif who hasn't made a nickname yet.

**halfie:** pot meet kettle, the hypocrisy

**Simmons-M17:** I said _Grif._

**mechanic:** there, happy?

**halfie:** boo, ur boring

**gold captain:** how is that any different from mine, mines a descriptor too

**halfie:** ur boring as well <3

**gold captain:** didn't u also say that halfie was another term for pilot, meaning ur still calling urself a pilot, making u the same as us?

**halfie:** never said i wasn't boring, im boring and proud

**Simmons-M17:** You are not boring. I _wish_ you were boring. Would make this partnership run a lot smoother.

**halfie:** ship

**Simmons-M17:** Shut the fuck up or I swear to god I'll throw you overboard.

**halfie:** look who's joining in on the sailor vibes, quick don't bring any bananas on board, so we gotta leave dick at the shore

**Simmons-M17:** what

**gold captain:** what

**mechanic:** what

**halfie:** shut the fuck up stop pretending like you don't know exactly how a banana is a phallic symbol

**gold captain:** phallic. using big words, are you compensating much?

**halfie:** guns are also a phallic symbol, you were always holding yours, are _you_ compensating for something

**gold captain:** i-

**mechanic:** just say you like dick and go

**gold captain:** simmons dick or dick-dick

**Simmons-M17:** I hate this conversation.

**mechanic:** cock

**gold captain:** i mean, i won't complain. you offering?

_mechanic is offline._

**gold captain:** JOKE THAT WAS A JOKE

**halfie:** man, completely ruined my mood. now i gotta think about the ethical consequences of that statement

**gold captain:** i simply forgot, in the heat of the conversation, that we are all the same person. sue me

**halfie:** how do you forget something like that

**gold captain:** we all act different, also, why the fuck would i expect to be in a conversation with myself had i not met you two

**halfie:** idk. live a little

**gold captain:** ive lived enough, thanks

**halfie:** you haven't live till you got your sea legs

**gold captain:** ugh stfu

**halfie:** ur just jealous i got to live out a sailor fantasy

**gold captain:** i used to go diving and had a captains license so no, no i am not

**halfie:** but were YOU given a flintlock pistol by a genuine- shut up Simmons we both know they were real- pirates?

**gold captain:** ...

_gold captain is offline._

**halfie:** LMAO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by the Family-Of-Scuba-Divers gang. Yes, bananas are not allowed on any of the ships. No, it is no longer rational nowadays.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	26. A Challenger Approaches NEXT!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **gold captain:** lame. why couldn't it have been invisibility 
> 
> **mechanic:** why that
> 
> **gold captain:** invisible napping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaah, so excited to have another Simmons in this server!! I hope you guys like this chapter!
> 
> halfie: DIME Grif  
> gold captain: Grif-S15 aka Canon Grif  
> mechanic: Grif-C83, the Grif who fixed Simmons after the EMP
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server, 23:17]_

_#general_

_halfie has added Simmons-T19._

**gold captain:** no way, another simmons????

**mechanic:** why is that shocking

**gold captain:** dude, ive only met other versions of myself so far and the simmons that hangs around the loco grif, a new simmons is bound to be a breath of fresh air

**Simmons-T19:** Wait, wait, _@halfie_ you didn't tell me that this was a group chat with other dimensional Grif's in it.

**halfie:** server

**Simmons-T19:** Fine, _server._ Don't ignore my point.

**gold captain:** wow simmons-t19, what's wrong, don't want to hang out with three additional grif's?

**mechanic:** if ur anything like my simmons then i know you have questions to ask about this whole thing so don't pretend like you dont want to be here

**Simmons-T19:** I-

_Simmons-T19 is typing..._

**Simmons-M17:** Great. Now I need to change my name because there's another me.

**gold captain:** ur making a big deal out of nothing just chose a name and stick with it 

**mechanic:** don't act like ur not happy that you have back up against us grif-threes. 

**halfie:** the grif-three's and the simmi

**Simmons-M17:** Shut up, I'm trying to think of a good nickname.

**halfie:** he's got his thinking face on that's hilarious

**Robostein:** How's this?

**gold captain:** idk that ur simmons watched anime

**Robostein:** What???? They made a Frankenstein anime????

**gold captain:** oh lmao u were talking about the book. k

**Robostein:** Huh??

**Simmons-T19:** Ok you're right I have plenty of questions. How do you all know each other? What are your dimensions like? Can just anybody travel between them? How minute are the differences between dimensions like is there a dimension where my signature color is sanguine instead of maroon and that's the only change?

**mechanic:** _@halfie_ added us to this hell-spawned server, ive never met _@gold captain_

**gold captain:** my universe is filled with ais and blue team drama

**Robostein:** No, anyone who breaks the multiversal laws regarding crossing dimensions becomes a Dimensional Criminal and is arrested.

**halfie:** yes

**Simmons-T19:** Wait, wouldn't that make you two Dimensional Criminals?

**halfie:** ye

**Simmons-T19:** Huh. So, then technically you two _were_ criminals.

**halfie:** yes, but no <3

**Simmons-T19:** Also, wait I just realized _@gold captain_ did you say something about Blue Team problems?

**gold captain:** oh no, don't tell me

**Simmons-T19:** We're divided by Red Team and Blue Team here too. But we all work for the same League.

**mechanic:** league?

**Robostein:** He's a superhero.

**halfie:** dressed in lingerie

**Simmons-T19:** I DIDN'T CHOSE THE OUTFIT

**halfie:** and im guessing you didn't object either

**Simmons-T19:** I _did_ actually. I simply had no power to deny Mrs. Andrews what she wants.

**mechanic:** what's ur superpower

**gold captain:** more importantly what's ur grif's superpower

**Simmons-T19:** Techno/ferrokinesis for me. Grif's NEXT ability is, well I don't know if I'm allowed to say because it's supposed to be confidential.

**halfie:** who the fuck are we even gonna tell. we're all him

**Simmons-T19:** That's, fair I suppose, well ok his NEXT power is illusions.

**gold captain:** lame. why couldn't it have been invisibility 

**mechanic:** why that

**gold captain:** invisible napping

**mechanic:** that's- excuse me i need to go invent something brb

_mechanic is offline._

**gold captain:** _@halfie_ if he actually goes an invents something to allow invisible napping by the law of grifs you're obligated to bring me it

**halfie:** i'll think about it

**gold captain:** no think, do

**Robostein:** _@Simmons-T19_ Hey.

**Simmons-T19:** Yes? (Also sorry for earlier still, I thought you were, well, someone else)

**Robostein:** Yeah, yeah sure, anyways, fucking give yourself a nickname. I refuse to let you have the Simmons title over me.

**#2 NEXT:** Is this better, bitch?

**Robostein:** Very.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Robostein: DIME Simmons  
> #2 NEXT: Simmons-T19 aka T&B!AU Simmons
> 
> My original planning for this fic was to have a lot of past AU versions of Grif and Simmons interact, from my various fics over the years, but I edited it so that it was a more curated selection that fit well with the plot. Still, I very much was glad to have added in the T&B!AU Simmons.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	27. The Simmons Takeover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **gold captain:** Please say sike oh my fucking god please say sike please I'm crying-
> 
> **mechanic:** NERD BOT???? LMAO.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter so I hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> halfie: DIME Grif  
> gold captain: Grif-S15 aka Canon Grif  
> mechanic: Grif-C83, the Grif who fixed Simmons after the EMP  
> Robostein: DIME Simmons  
> #2 NEXT: Simmons-T19 aka T&B!AU Simmons
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server, 14:43]_

_#general_

**Robostein:** Dammit, I'm stuck in town while a fucking storm is raging.

**gold captain:** thats rough buddy

**Robostein:** Choke <3

**#2 NEXT:** Wait, you're just by yourself?

**Robostein:** Yes. Grif's back at home

**mechanic:** cant believe you guys left my superior dimension just to settle down in some cottagecore having ass dimension

**Robostein:** Maybe, if your dimension didn't render me a fucking metal doll we could have stayed, but oh wait. It doesn't.

**mechanic:** touchy today

**Robotstein:** It's raining cats and dogs, of course I'm more irritated than usual.

**gold captain:** question?

**Robotstein:** No this is not a universe where actual cats and dogs rain down.

**gold captain:** boooo

**#2 NEXT:** Hey, other Grif's? Log off I want to it be Simmons time today.

**mechanic:** simmons time.

**#2 NEXT:** Yes. Because you Grif's outnumber us Simmons'. So today is our day while the other Grif is offline.

**mechanic:** first off, ur logic doesn't make sense because we're equal in numbers right now

**gold captain:** u don't know he could still come online

**mechanic:** secondly, sure, why not. how about i sweeten the deal- im going to hand over my communicator to simmons and then you guys can talk about whatever the fuck u nerds have as hobbies

**gold captain:** wait shit thats a good idea, why didn't i do that yet

**Robostein:** Oh right, I haven't met your guys' Simmons' yet.

**gold captain:** wait that would mean that i would have to switch helmets with him. meh fuck it the pay off while finally get him off my back about missing meeting you guys

**mechanic:** Hi, Richard here. I have many, many questions. First off- how the fuck did I miss meeting a dimensional double of myself.

**gold captain:** I have the same question but it's not nearly as important as asking this- is there a dimension where Game of Thrones is real?

**Robotstein:** _@mechanic_ Don't ask me I was completely out of it when meeting your Grif and _@gold captain_ considering how vast the multiverse is I wouldn't doubt it.

**gold captain:** Can you take me there?

**Robotstein:** Why the fuck would you ever want to go there? You want to join the list of assholes who ended up dying?

**gold captain:** Could be fun, you don't know.

**Robotstein:** Also no I can't because I a) don't know the coordinates if it does exist and b) I'm not a Pilot so I can't make a portal to do so.

**gold captain:** Dammit.

**mechanic:** Yeah, how exactly do Pilots work? I've been trying to pester Dex about it since he actually got a chance to work on the exoskeleton but he couldn't make heads or tails about it.

**Robotstein:** It takes in dimensional energy and releases it in a stable form as a portal. Because it's connected to a Pilot's nervous system, visualization and coordinates can create a connection with that specific dimension.

**mechanic:** Do you by any chance have some schematics of it?

**Robostein:** No but even then I wouldn't just willingly give that out.

**gold captain:** _@#2 NEXT_ You're a superhero, right?

**#2 NEXT:** Yes.

**gold captain:** What's our superhero name please say it's something cool like Cybernostic or Ferrotine.

**#2 NEXT:** ... it's Nerd Bot

_Several people are typing..._

**gold captain:** Please say sike oh my fucking god please say sike please I'm crying-

**mechanic:** NERD BOT???? LMAO.

**Robostein:** Nerd Bot? _Nerd Bot?!_

**gold captain:** Superpowers are wasted on the inferior Simmons why the fuck is life so goddamn unfair-

**mechanic:** "Oh please save me, anybody- but not you Nerd Bot, sorry it's just that I should be pushing you into the locker's not getting rescued by you. Leave the saving to the Jocks."

**Robotstein:** If you sit here and tell me you came up with that yourself I'm gonna get Grif to bring us back to T19 to kick your ass myself.

**#2 NEXT:** Grif came up with it.

**gold captain:** ...

**mechanic:** ...

**Robotstein:** ...

**gold captain:** Excuse me for one moment.

_gold captain is offline._

**mechanic:** Same here.

_mechanic is offline._

**Robostein:** If I were not stuck because of a storm I would be hitting my Grif over the head with these books I just bought, and I'm willing to bet the other two are doing that exactly now.

**#2 NEXT:** Christ, there's gonna be an influx of dead Grif's because of me. Good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whiplash of this chapter versus the main update has me laughing so hard which is one of the main reasons why I love it so much.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	28. Nothin' Bahd Eva Happens to the Grifs!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **halfie:** im cold and wet
> 
> **gold captain:** hark, i hear the sound a vulnerable grif

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the other Simmons gave back the communication devices to their respective Grif's after punching the shit out of them last chapter. So it's back to the usual crew!
> 
> halfie: DIME Grif  
> gold captain: Grif-S15 aka Canon Grif  
> mechanic: Grif-C83, the Grif who fixed Simmons after the EMP  
> Robostein: DIME Simmons  
> #2 NEXT: Simmons-T19 aka T&B!AU Simmons
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server, 15:55]_

_#general_

**mechanic:** i dont think i deserved to get hit for ur grifs actions _@#2 NEXT_

**gold captain:** same fucking here

**#2 NEXT:** Ok, but it was deserved. Do you wanna know how cool his name is whereas mine is utter garbage?

**gold captain:** tell us the name

**#2 NEXT:** Phantasmagoria

**gold captain:** one second

**mechanic:** r u googling what that means

**gold captain:** no. i have a living dictionary to do that shit for me

**mechanic:** lmao

**gold captain:** ok just looked that up and i guess its cool. could have been better if he had invisibility but whatever who cares

**#2 NEXT:** What is it with you and invisibility?

**gold captain:** im just saying there are zero cons to that power

**#2 NEXT:** it'd be good for stealth but not offensive attacks

**gold captain:** exactly, and you can't die if you're not an offensive player

**mechanic:** but if you have a strong power you could probably hold your own

**gold captain:** no thanks, i wouldn't roll that fucking die

**mechanic:** why

_halfie is online._

**halfie:** misery is my dominatrix and im her bitch

**gold captain:** are you admitting that you like getting pegged?

**halfie:** im cold and wet

**gold captain:** hark, i hear the sound a vulnerable grif

**mechanic:** stfu

**halfie:** y'all don't even know how close i was to dying but ok

**gold captain:** oh no, you almost joined the ranks of t8 and w19

**mechanic:** who?

**#2 NEXT:** Who are they?

**gold captain:** hold on one second I made just the thing for this moment

**halfie:** they're grifs

**gold captain:** _[1 attachment: f_in_the_chat.png]_

**#2 NEXT:** ...

**mechanic:** what the fuck am i staring at

**#2 NEXT:** There's a lot to unpack here.

**halfie:** u drew this? where the fuck did you learn to draw? fucking poptropica?

**gold captain:** u guys are being very mean to me. i spent a good two minutes on this

**mechanic:** hello?? explain???

**halfie:** t8 and w19 are our doubles that died

**gold captain:** wait how come they're getting the not graphic account whereas you scarred me for life

**mechanic:** why what did he tell you

**gold captain:** i think his exact words were 'chained, collared, and buried alive' by the same dude

**mechanic:** H U H

**#2 NEXT:** Wait, really?!

**halfie:** ye. stared at their dead bodies myself

**mechanic:** wait wait it was the same dude too?

**halfie:** correct.

**mechanic:** name. please.

**halfie:** why? u gonna get a restraining order too?

**mechanic:** once is inconsequential, twice is happenstance, im in no mood to become number three to make it a pattern

**halfie:** ok bet. his name is mark temple

**#2 NEXT:** Wait.

**mechanic:** temple ok got it, shit lemme look through my clients i need to make sure he didn't get anywhere near me

**#2 NEXT:** Hold on. Seriously?

**halfie:** why

**#2 NEXT:** In my world, Mark Temple is a Judge for the Justice Bureau.

**gold captain:** idk what's worse, a killer sim or a bureaucrat

**halfie:** has ur grif come in contact with him?

**#2 NEXT:** No, not really. Judge Temple mainly handles collateral damage and infrastructure damage. Ah, so far, Grif hasn't fallen under his scrutiny. Since his power is a mental NEXT ability after all

**halfie:** huh. well keep an eye on ur grif unless you want him disappearing on you

**#2 NEXT:** That's so fucking ominous but ok.

**mechanic:** just checked my client book and fuck he's been to the shop before

**gold captain:** well, it was nice knowing you dude

**mechanic:** dont fucking write me off just yet you bastard

**halfie:** well, you know. ur designation _does_ have a three in it

**mechanic:** i-

_mechanic is offline._

**gold captain:** you think running to the fucking hills will save his ass?

**halfie:** oh absolutely not, he's fucked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm laughing in T&B!RvB AU. So I will go out and say that for the Second League series the events of this AU are not canon to it. So T&B!Simmons isn't going to be suspicious of our favorite serial killer judge in upcoming chapters for that fic.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	29. What Time Is It? No Seriously- Stop Singing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **gold captain:** you know, i do have a question about this whole server thing
> 
>  **mechanic:** havent u been here the longest tho
> 
>  **gold captain:** ye, but i also on principal dont ask questions but im bored so i wanna ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guys believe that today's update has officially pushed me past 100,000+ words? Like- wow! That's so many words, in one month no less!
> 
> halfie: DIME Grif  
> gold captain: Grif-S15 aka Canon Grif  
> mechanic: Grif-C83, the Grif who fixed Simmons after the EMP  
> Robostein: DIME Simmons  
> #2 NEXT: Simmons-T19 aka T&B!AU Simmons
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3.

_[The GRIFulation Server, 09:37]_

_#general_

**Robostein:** Fuck, I didn't mean to crash so hard last night.

 **gold captain:** why what happened

 **Robostein:** I wanted to stay up to make sure that U15 was doing ok, he got sick after being in a storm last night

 **mechanic:** right. because he was close to dying

 **Robostein:** He had an encounter with Locus-X and Felix-Z. He's lucky to be alive.

 **#2 NEXT:** Who?

 **gold captain:** mercenaries in my world, they helped prolong a civil war so that everyone would kill each other off. locs is chill now though

 **mechanic:** ive never met anyone like that in my world but i was filled in on who they were awhile ago

 **#2 NEXT:** Oh. Well, I don't recognize those names so they must not exist in my world.

 **gold captain:** lucky

 **mechanic:** so me-u15 obvs didnt die so thats good right

 **Robostein:** Yes, but now he's sick so I'm stuck taking care of him. Speaking of which, I need to check if his fever went down, be right back.

 **gold captain:** you know, i do have a question about this whole server thing

 **mechanic:** havent u been here the longest tho

 **gold captain:** ye, but i also on principal dont ask questions but im bored so i wanna ask

 **Robostein:** Hm. Ok, I'm back. Not good but I can mitigate the worst of it all. Been doing it for weeks on end anyhow.

 **#2 NEXT:** You've given him tea, right? Also, make sure he's bundled up, and that his neck is covered too.

 **Robostein:** I went out and bought him a change of clothes since the only pair he had were soaked through but I didn't get a scarf. Maybe I'll go out later and get one.

 **gold captain:** sevensimms

 **Robostein:** Me?

 **gold captain:** yeah. i have a question- why is there a single time on this server. like is there one multiversal clock that we can all follow or like, idk whats going on here

 **Robostein:** The time accounts for your time zone obviously. All of our displays are different. It's literally like any other server that's open to a multitude of people who live in various places.

 **gold captain:** oh, oh wait fuck yeah that makes sense. my bad

 **mechanic:** how did you not figure that out though

 **gold captain:** the clock in my hud has been broken for years so like, it doesn't match up and i just assumed

 **mechanic:** oh wait ok yeah thats fair

 **Robostein:** Was that all?

 **gold captain:** yeah pretty much <3

 **Robostein:** Well, if no one has any other questions or anything, I'm going to go and step away from this. I want to make sure that Grif's doing ok, maybe make something that he can eat at the moment. I have no idea if he ate anything before encountering the Assets.

 **gold captain:** ur so doting, if i got sick my simmons would just let me perish

 **Robostein:** Yes, well, a good thing I'm not your Simmons then. See ya.

_[Robostein >> mechanic, 09:49]_

**Robostein:** You worked on Grif's exoskeleton, right?

 **mechanic:** briefly. ive been trying to figure it out ever since

 **Robostein:** _[1 attachment: u15medicalfiles.pdf]_

 **mechanic:** this, wait, what is all this?

 **Robostein:** I need your help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sneaking in a little plot for you all at the end there. Ten guesses as to who the last two chapters will have the POV of...
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	30. Thesis on Why Blue Team Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **gold captain:** why is this gang up on s15 day? what did i even do?
> 
> **mechanic:** have the audacity to exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter! Decided to make this one very light since I know today's update was a bit heavy!
> 
> halfie: DIME Grif  
> gold captain: Grif-S15 aka Canon Grif  
> mechanic: Grif-C83, the Grif who fixed Simmons after the EMP  
> Robostein: DIME Simmons  
> #2 NEXT: Simmons-T19 aka T&B!AU Simmons
> 
> All mistakes are intentional, <3!

_[The GRIFulation Server, 11:21]_

_#general_

**gold captain:** _@Robostein_ is me-15 still sick?

**Robostein:** Yes. But he's been getting slightly better, his fever has gone down and it's practically nonexistent now.

**gold captain:** oh thats good. it would suck to have to add another grif to the stairway to heaven meme so soon

**mechanic:** hopefully it'll be you next

**gold captain:** don't you ever think how funny it is that ur so hateful towards someone you have never met and will likely never meet? isn't that crazy

**mechanic:** thats literally just the experience of being on the internet

**#2 NEXT:** Also, like, he's you. So technically he's already met you.

**gold captain:** we're from different dimensions

**#2 NEXT:** Yes, but you're also a Grif so no matter what you're insufferable

**gold captain:** why is this gang up on s15 day? what did i even do?

**mechanic:** have the audacity to exist

**gold captain:** there could be way worse grifs that you could have been stuck with. like a blue grif

**mechanic:** like, skin color blue or-

**#2 NEXT:** Ew, a blue Grif just sounds wrong.

**gold captain:** exactly, thank you.

**mechanic:** i still do not understand all the red and blue nonsense. like, what does it even represent

**gold captain:** its a very long standing stupid circle where we're all on the same side but can't get over ourselves to admit it

**#2 NEXT:** It's a contest here.

**mechanic:** so like, are you guys not legally allowed to wear the color blue?

**gold captain:** sarge might actually commit homicide if he saw me wearing blue, and like, i know he mostly jokes about killing me but im not about to test him

**#2 NEXT:** Well, when we use our powers our eyes and body glow blue so actually, it doesn't really matter here? It's just a title for the two teams.

**gold captain:** wait. you all glow the same color?

**#2 NEXT:** Yes.

**gold captain:** how does sarge take that?

**#2 NEXT:** Oh, he's absolutely in denial. I'm sure that if he could figure out a way to glow a different color then he would take it. But that's not really possible so he just pretends that it's not blue.

**gold captain:** my sarge would have a conniption if he glowed blue. actually that would be pretty funny to see his reaction to what you said one sec

**mechanic:** who's sarge?

**#2 NEXT:** Oh, uh, kind of like our senior. He's an older hero in my world, a part of the first NEXT generation I think actually. Can't say anything about _@gold captain_ 's world.

**gold captain:** ok im back, he said and i quote 'there's no possible way, i or any sarge would ever glow that dastardly color that shall not be named for desire to keep it's disgusting cockroach like followers out and away'

**mechanic:** h- wait didnt you say that you guys are on the same side?

**gold captain:** yes

**mechanic:** and, he genuinely thinks that way

**gold captain:** im not paid enough to explain the psychology of sarge soooo

**#2 NEXT:** I have some thoughts on why my Sarge doesn't like the color blue, but out of respect I really can't say.

**mechanic:** k. y'all are freaks obsessed with primaries

**gold captain:** and what? you don't have any color coordinations?

**mechanic:** no, because in my world, people are normal <3

**gold captain:** normal is boring.

**mechanic:** normal means I'm not going to die because of something stupid

**gold captain:** didnt you say that temple was in ur client book

**mechanic:** and I have our security sensors recognize that he's not allowed near the shop so im safe, thanks try again

**gold captain:** bitch

**mechanic:** sounds like someone is jealous that im the superior grif

**gold captain:** that wouldnt be you by a long shot considering that i have more accolades

**mechanic:** not dying multiple times isn't an achievement

**gold captain:** yes it is

**Robostein:** Yes it is.

**#2 NEXT:** It kind of is though.

**mechanic:** i am surrounded by literal maniacs with no self-preservation. wow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was made by the Red Team gang, Red superiority for the win.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


	31. [File: MU-1517]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _INCIDENT REPORT: Disappearance of SEO Grif-10 and SEO Simmons-10_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween everyone who celebrates!!! I'm here to bring you guys the last chapter of DIMEcord! I hope you all like it!
> 
> For the duration of this event, all mistakes are my own!

_ INCIDENT REPORT: Disappearance of SEO Grif-10 and SEO Simmons-10 _

_ Branch: SIM Enforcement Officer _

_ AdMIN: Carolina Church _

_ After appointing themselves the task of tracking down the Assets, one Felix-Z ne Felix-Z13 and one Locus-X ne Locus-X13, after having been ambushed and knocked out during a routine patrol. They made frequent updates and status reports until mysteriously disappearing from DIME radars. Their pin signals went offline for an hour before returning only to go offline permanently. DIME became aware of this problem in the first instance but was unable to investigate the happenstance of these events due to a shortage of officers available. All Captain and Pilot pairs had their energy focused on recapturing the Assets, a mission still pending at the moment. Any additional officers who were neither could not be spared for fear of leaving DIME Corps unguarded, thereby allowing locked in portals to be accessed by any other Dimensional Criminal. Thus, the matter relating to SEO Grif-10 and SEO Simmons-10 was left to the side in favor of recapturing the Assets before they could bring further harm to the multiverse. _

_ Two theories made in the meanwhile were proposed by RED AdMIN Carolina Church and another by BLUE AdMIN David Washington. _

_ According to AdMIN Church's statement, she had always noticed that SEO Simmons-10 did not act quite as well as the other SEO's under her command. Claiming that he seemed paranoid overtly so, as though at any moment someone would be out to get him. Likewise, she noted that he withheld information often, so long as he wasn't openly addressed regarding it, but as to what information that could be AdMIN Church could not say. Worrying to note, these concerns were not addressed to the Board of Directors as obvious signs of a pin malfunction. Investigations are going on at the moment to see whether or not AdMIN Church suspected the same and willfully chose not to inform the Board, and if found guilty she will put suspended from DIME Corps. To end her statement, she said that she suspects that whatever SEO Simmons-10 was anxious over had either confronted him or frightened him enough to go AWOL, dragging SEO Grif-10 alongside him. _

_ According to AdMIN Washington's statement, he suspected that SEO Grif-10 was in the process of an exoskeleton meltdown, akin to the level that his own had at one point. The constant use of the support item, along with the fatigue of the officers, was noted by the AdMIN and watched to see if it would progress in an accelerated manner, and if so he would have them pulled from the mission for immediate repairs before the complete shut down of the exoskeleton could occur. To end his statement, he claimed that he suspected that SEO Grif-10 was dead, and had SEO Simmons-10 been in the proximity of the explosion- the type that he had experienced himself- the other man must have been gravely injured to the point of having passed from his own injuries as well. _

_ After having some time pass, DIME Corps noted that one of the pins- that of SEO Simmons-10- had returned online, and after swiftly sending SEO Tucker-10 alongside SEO Donut-10, confirmed that the two other SEOs were indeed dead. Further investigation of the scene revealed that there had been a struggle between the two resulting in both deaths. Autopsy reveals that SEO Simmons-10 succumbed to blood loss whereas SEO Grif-10 had been slowly poisoned by dimensional energy before his exoskeleton collapsed resulting in his death. Given the injuries, and the strange objects on their persons later reviewed by DIME Engineers, it has been concluded as to the nature of these events. _

_ As suspected, SEO Simmons-10 had a defective pin. From there, it can only be proposed that he took his Pilot pair, SEO Grif-10, hostage as a means to escape from DIME. Given that the Pilot's medical files were found on the premises, it can be inferred that he intended to recreate an exoskeleton for himself, much in the same manner that his father, current inmate of the Chorus penitentiary Simmons-M, had attempted to do while the SEO was under his care. The number of books regarding human anatomy and theory also goes to prove this statement. _

_ The black cubes found on the neck of SEO Grif-10 and found in the hand of SEO Simmons-10 have been identified as pin signal disrupters, devices that were suspected as having been created by SEO Simmons-10 further solidifying the abduction hypothesis. An unknown side effect likely to either man shows that prolonged exposure to said cube caused a build-up in the exoskeleton, exacerbating its degradation leading to it's shut down upon SEO Grif-10's suspected escape attempt. The knife having been examined shows fingerprints from the Pilot, showing that he had made a successful attempt to retaliate against his captor. _

_ As to how the Captain managed to subdue the Pilot for an extended period of time when all profiling of SEO Grif-10 indicated a history of violence and aggression, is something that DIME cannot figure out at the time. And with a lack of recording surrounding the kidnapping, it is likely that the answer will never be revealed. _

_ As such, DIME Corps will go to announce SEO Simmons-10 as a traitor to the organization and SEO Grif-10 as his unwilling victim. Thus, concluding the mystery behind their disappearance and settling this case to a close. _

_ END INCIDENT REPORT. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One final look into how DIME interpreted the events of the fic. Of course, _we_ all know what truly happened.
> 
> If you'd like to contact me, you can find me at either of my Tumblr's: @agent-murica (main) and @amateurscribes (writing)!


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